Woman Crush Wednesday

Wonder Woman is taking this too seriously.

The Bikini Bowl

Snippet from The Great Rutabaga Insurrection

...Team Cobalt team consisted of Lady Cobalt, of course, she played guard. Tara was the quarterback, the Wondrous Amazon was the wide receiver, Mighty Meagan was the tight end, Miss Lightning was the running back, and Lady Snow, Lady Cobalt’s most capable protégé was the blushing center. They were coached by America’s favorite son, Colonel America.

Team Scarlet was coached by Lieutenant Commander Ryan Wolf; it consisted of six fiery redheads. Amazin’ Amy was the quarterback. Ruby was the tight end. Brooke was the running back. The Russian Widow was the wide receiver. The Star Spangled Avenger was the center and filling in for the Chartreuse Avenger was Gotham NAS’ own Chief Petty Officer Jaime Kelly.

PK was up to his usual shenanigans of making a dishonest buck. He had his concession box strapped on him as he walked through the excited crowd. “Get your Bikini Programs here. Programs! Get your Bikini Bowl programs while their hot! Ice cold Atlanta’s Pride Cola! I got your ice cold Atlanta’s Pride Cola! Get your ice cold Atlanta’s Pride Cola! Programs! Popcorn!” He paused and held up three comic books. “I got your latest Wondrous Amazon, Russian Widow and Ruby comic books, hot off the presses!”

He stopped and handed a comic book to a happy fan, “Here you son, that’ll be five bucks.” They exchanged money and PK went back to selling official Bikini Bowl II souvenirs. “Programs here! Official Bikini Bowl programs! See the girls in their official bikinis! Too hot for Flynn Beck’s network! Wondrous Amazon, Russian Widow and Ruby comic books only five dollars each!”

A kid raised his hand, PK stopped and leaned over, “What’ll it be son?” The kid pointed to Ruby’s comic book. PK replied, “How old are you? “Seventeen,” he replied.

“You got to be eighteen to buy the comic book. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.” The kid slipped PK two five dollar bills. “Eighteen you say? You got yourself a deal!” PK smiled, took the money and gave the kid a comic book. “There you go son, it’ll keep you warm on a cold winter’s night. Trust me,” the pumpkin smiled and went back to his flimflam.

Team Cobalt won the toss and elected to defer to the second half. Lady Cobalt set the football on the tee, stepped away from the ball, and waited for Charlotte’s signal. The Chartreuse Avenger blew her whistle, signaling the start of the game. The blue haired ninja nodded her head and ran towards the football; she kicked it with all her might.

The spinning ball screamed high into the air and well, just stayed in the air as it span. Everyone looked dumbfounded except for Lady Cobalt she was so happy she actually kicked the ball high into the air. She started running until she saw everyone standing around, looking up into the air. “Hey! Why isn’t everyone running?” she asked.

The ball continued to spin, Tara face palmed. “Bluey.” She looked up and innocently flicked her wrist, breaking the rules. The ball flew downfield and headed straight for Ruby.

Commander Quinn was Ryan’s assistant coach. He ripped off his headphones and pointed at Tara, “Hey, she used her powers!” Tara shrugged her shoulders like she didn’t do anything. She ran down the field with the other girls as the ball landed in Ruby’s hands. The witch narrowed her eyes, “Tara! You broke the rules!” She realized that protesting was mute; she ran behind her blockers and headed for the goal line.

The witch was tackled at the fifty. The teams huddled up. Amazin’ Amy called the play and the huddle was broke. She lined up behind The Star Spangled Avenger, Amy scanned the defense as she called the play, “…set, hut!”

The patriotic center snapped the ball into Amy’s hands. The amazing heroine stepped back to pass as the play developed. Brooke quietly slipped out of the backfield. Amy threw the ball to her; she caught it and turned up field.

Tasha picked off Brooke’s defender on the pick play, springing Brooke to freedom. The Brit ran down the far sideline. The excited crowd shot to their feet. The Wondrous Amazon saw Brooke streaking towards the goal line and gave chase. Despite the raucous crowd the redhead could hear the nimble Amazon nearing. The footsteps grew louder as the end zone neared.

Seconds later there was a collision, Ruby had been running a post route and saw Brooke racing for the end zone. There would’ve been major wardrobe malfunction, if the girls had been wearing bikinis. Brooke hoisted the ball over her head as she scored the touchdown. The noble Amazon helped the witch to her feet. “I see a heart of a mighty warrior beats inside of you Ruby.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. The two hugged and went to their huddles. Amy peered over her shoulder and nodded as Ryan signaled the play. Team Scarlet broke the huddle and lined up. Ruby was in the back field instead of Brooke; Mrs. Wolf was lined up in the H-back position. Amy took the snap and handed the ball to Ruby. The witch lowered her shoulder and barreled over her bestie and into the end zone. Charlotte raised her hands and it was 8-0 for the redheads.

There was a brief time out and PK went back to his antics. “Programs here! Get your official Bikini Bowl programs here! Ruby Dooby comic books, don’t forget your Ruby comic book, she just scored the two point conversion!” A teenage boy raised his hand, PK happily walked over to him, “How old are ya son?”

“Sixteen,” he said.

“Sixteen, I’m sorry you got to be seventeen to buy a Ruby comic book. It’s not my rules, I just have to follow them…,” he said. The kid slipped him something extra. The pumpkin pocketed the money and handed over a comic book, “Seventeen you say, enjoy! It’ll keep you warm on a long winter’s night!”

Meanwhile there was a time out on the field, Brooke returned to the sideline. Ryan met her and they enjoyed a victorious kiss, it was a rather passionate one. The fireworks exploded as they continued to kiss, they broke away as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Ryan smacked her buttocks which irritated PK, “Hey, enough of the public display of affection! There are childroon watching. You’re supposed to be a positive role model for the yutes of America!”

Tara walked up to Ruby rubbing her rear, she rubbed it, “Hey, what’s the big idea bestie? This is supposed to be fun.” “Please Tara, you were salivating at the chance to tackle me,” the redhead replied, “Now think of the fun you’ll have soaking it in my Jacuzzi.”

She smirked and smacked Tara’s tender bum.

“Hey!”

***

They scored on a twenty yard touchdown pass from Tara to the Wondrous Amazon, cutting Team Cobalt’s lead to 8-6. There was a brief timeout and another victorious smooch was shared. Colonel Rodgers kissed the Wondrous Amazon, they broke away. Unlike Ryan, Stephen didn’t smack Diana’s rear end. “You see there!” PK proclaimed as he pointed at the two. “Now that’s a positive role model for the yutes of America! Yessiree!”

Team Cobalt lined up for the game tying two point conversion. Tara took the snap from Lady Snow and dropped back to pass as Ruby counted Mississippis as per the rules, on the third one she bowled over the poor center and rushed Tara.

le Fay saw Ruby charging towards her, she waited for Diana to get open. The Amazon was covered too tight to complete a pass. Tara decided to lob the ball to Mighty Meagan, however, the 5 foot 11 inch witch blocked the pass. The ball twirled into the air, Ruby and Tara followed it. Team Cobalt’s QB knew if Ruby grabbed it she could return it for two points for Team Scarlet.

Tara jumped high to knock the ball out of the air, but Ruby jumped higher. The ginger haired beauty grabbed the ball and barreled over her brunette friend for the second time in five minutes as the crowd shot to their feet. PK nearly spilled his ice cold Atlanta’s Pride Colas on a few rabid fans as they cheered Ruby on. “Go Ruby Dooby! Go Ruby Go!” the pumpkin shouted.

Ryan put his arms up as he watched Ruby scamper by on her way to the end zone. Cobalt’s team wasn’t going to catch her, she had too much of a lead. PK started a chant of, “Ruby! Ruby! Ruby!” as the redhead returned the interception to increase Team Scarlet’s lead to 10-6. The witch was mugged by her teammates as the crowd chanted her name. PK’s little heart nearly burst with pride, his dancing partner was putting on a show!

It was a funny score, for Team Scarlet scored, yet they were going to get the ball back! The brief momentum swing for Cobalt’s team swung back to Team Scarlet. Charlotte signaled for another official timeout so the Blade Network could make some much need money by airing a few commercials. PK decided to make more money was well. He continued to push refreshing beverages, official Bikini Bowl souvenirs and those comic books of The Russian Widow, Wondrous Amazon and the hero so far, Ruby. “Programs, get your official Bikini Bowl programs! Complete with sizzling bikini photo shoots of all the players! I got plenty of Ruby comic book…,” he stopped as another teen flagged him down.

He asked for one of Ruby’s comic books. “How old are ya sonny?” PK asked as he once again went into his con antics. “Fifteen? I’m sorry son, you got to be sixteen to buy this comic book. I’m sorry I don’t make the rules.” The kid slipped PK a little something extra. “Ah, sixteen you say! Splendid, here’s your comic book. It’ll keep you warm on a long cold winter’s night. Trust me!” He tapped the kid’s shoulder and went back to making a profit. “Russian Widow and Wondrous Amazon comic books! Comic books! Programs! Ice cold Atlanta’s Pride Cola!”

Then it happened, there was a low rumble. It was shrugged off as being a C-130 taking off from Gotham NAS, it happens all the time. But the rumble grew louder and the ground lightly trembled, looks were exchanged, it couldn’t be an earthquake. Everyone got their answer a few seconds later.

Stampeding armadillos entered the west end of the stadium. The thundering herd plowed through the field as they stormed towards the east end zone. The girls, fans, and PK watched in total disbelief. What was going on?

The stampeding herd continued until six rutabagas, riding on their armadillos steeds appeared. They were shooting their little peashooters. They shot at the scoreboards and water coolers as they hooted, shouted, and hollered at the little doggies. PK watched in horror, he realized that they were headed for the east end zone; nothing was there to stop them from his devastating his pumpkin patch.

He threw off his concession attire, jumped the fence, and ran after the stampeding wretched creatures. “No! They’ll plow up the rest of my pumplings! My pumplings!”

Ruby realized the danger; she told the team she would be right back. She joined PK and they ran after the charging herd. The dust settled after they left the stadium and it was quickly deduced that the field was unplayable, too many dips and divots. Knees, feet, and ankles wouldn’t survive playing on this field.

PK and Ruby reached the edge of the pumpkin patch. They stopped and caught their breath as they helplessly watched the horror. Pumpkin gourd pieces were scattered. The pumpkin’s mouth quivered as he gazed upon the macabre sight. Tears formed at the outside edge of his fiery triangular eyes, they quickly evaporated from the heat.

The silent witch slowly embraced him. He began to bawl like a newborn baby. The pumplings that survived the PK Award Show were nearly decimated. She remained silent as a few of his tears ran down her arm. Fishy landed on a fence post, the black bird had rutabaga flesh dangling from his beak. He didn’t utter a single, “Uh uh!” as PK continued to mourn his lost pumplings.

A little girl popped up inside the pumpkin patch, she rose to her feet. She dusted herself off, fixed her displaced hat and ran up to them. Her freckled face was covered with armadillo tracks as well as her plaid shirt and denim pants. Her cowgirl hat was tattered and torn, “Your Grand Excellency Eminence, Lord Defender and Protector of the Sacred Pumpkin Patch. I tried to stop them, but there were too many. I’m sorry Your Grand Excellency Eminence, Lord Defender and Protector of the Sacred Pumpkin Patch.”

There was a brief meeting between the players, coaches, and Charlotte. The game was called. Team Scarlet was declared the victors by the score of 10-6 and Ruby was named the MVP, her comic books flew off the shelves. Ruby didn’t care; she was more concerned on correcting the imbalance of magic that was taking place.

Laci Kay Somers

Superheroine or super roller skater extraordinaire!