Ms. January 2012!

AMY!

Subliminal Messaging?

Target Practice

Names have once again been changed to protect the guilty.

***

Miami was very turbulent in 1980, to say the least. The McDuffie riots and the Mariel Boat Lift had the ‘Big Orange’ in turmoil. Due to all this my dad always carried his trusty .38 under his seat wherever he went, including fishing out in the Everglades.

The sky was hazy on that hot steamy Saturday afternoon. Alligator Alley was a mess as dad pulled that old beige Oldsmobile station wagon off the road. The reptilian highway was being widened as it was destined to become a stretch of I-75. The usual fishing spots were still there; however, they were only accessible by boat, but you had to use one of the ramps off US 27 to get to there.

We marched towards the canal in a path provided by the DOT. It was a simple rocky path with native wild brush on either side. We had no earthly idea how high we were in compared to the canal. Our eyes nearly popped out of our sockets as we gazed down upon the murky canal; it seemed like we were 30 feet above the water.

That was a small problem in comparison to what was down below. There was a water moccasin waiting for us at the bottom. My dad had a brilliant idea; remember the .38 I mentioned? Well, instead of leaving and finding another spot dad huffed that he wasn’t going to have any member of his family get bitten by a water moccasin when the nearest hospital was over 20 miles away.

He promptly marched out to that battle tested Detroit station wagon and pulled out the gun’s carrying case and brought it back out to the canal. The coots and ospreys had gathered for a look by the time he got back. The coots nearly died of laughter as dad unzipped the case and pulled out the cold steel. The ospreys slowly turned to face each other as dad sat down upon the high bank.

The birds of prey covered their feathery heads with their mighty wings; no doubt they were shaking their heads, much like my mom was doing. I was worried that dad was going to get arrested; we weren’t that far from the toll plaza and troopers were there all the time. Dad had seemed to forget that fact or he didn’t seem to care as he drew aim at the deadly snake down in the water; truly another unforgettable Wolf moment was upon us.

He calmly aimed at the snake and pulled the trigger. Ibis, herons, egrets, blackbirds as well as many other frightened birds took to the safety of the hazy sky at the sound of the shot. We could see a bright cloud of orange clay down in the murky waters. The snake was gone, or so we thought.

Dead silence ensued. We slowly gazed up and down the bank. The laughing ospreys continued to watch us as we looked for signs of that menacing snake. Again, leave it to me and my keen eyes. I spotted it. It was about twenty feet from its original spot. You could clearly see a large hole near the back of its submerged tail. The ospreys nearly fell out of their nest as they doubled over in laughter.

Sadly, that was the only bang on this fishing expedition. The fish skunked the Wolf clan or did dad scare them away on that hot summer South Florida afternoon?

The Super Duper Bass Buster Plug

I wrote this after my dad passed away in 2010. I posted it Facebook, Myspace, and Sitemodel, but I never posted it here. So, here it is. Last name was changed to protect the guilty.

***

Many moons ago, long before the days of Outdoor World at Griffin Road and I-95 my dad received a shipment of super duper guarantee bass buster plugs in the mail from Bass Pro Shops. A few days later dad took us to go fishing out in the Everglades. We stopped at one of our usual spots, a canal that ran parallel to US 27 north of Alligator Alley in West Broward County. Dad secured one of those guarantee bass busters onto my line and I proudly went fishing.

Sometime later I was reeling in the super duper guarantee bass buster plug when a speeding boat rounded the corner. I furiously, yet futilely, reeled in the super duper guarantee bass buster plug. I felt the line and my pole vibrate as the boat’s spinning propellers cut the line.

The boat sped away as the plug aimlessly bobbed up and down in the wakes of the alligator infested canal. Needless to say dad was angry, not at me, but at the fact that this brand new super duper guarantee bass buster plug was slowly drifting to the other side of the canal.

The bass buster plug continued to float across that alligator infested canal as dad and I tried to snag it with another super duper guarantee bass buster plugs that he ordered. We missed and the plug disappeared as another boat sped by.

He started ranting and raving and carried on about this being a brand new super duper guarantee bass buster plug that he paid good money. He would calm down only to start up again a few minutes later. Dad continued to have his insane rants followed by a few moments of sanity before starting up again. His face grew redder with every rant; thick toxic black smoke billowed out of his ears as he wildly threw his hands up in the air.

Inadvertently, I made things worse. My young keen eyes spotted that super duper guarantee bass buster plug and I pointed out to dad where it was. The thick toxic black smoke became thicker as he gazed upon that dry docked super duper guarantee bass buster plug; he started to rant and rave again until he had what can only described as a Wolf moment.

He ripped off his shoes, threw off his socks, and stormed into the canal even though the bank was full of small jagged rocks. Uh, did I mention that this canal was alligator infested? I did…good. Anyhoo, dad swam like Kermit the Frog as we watched in utter disbelief. The coots started laughing at him. Ospreys stopped what they were doing and tilted their curious heads. They tilted their feathery heads again before they flapped their wings and cackled as if to say, “Gator bait! Gator bait!”

Meanwhile, I had a flashback of reading an old Miami Herald clipping about my dad, his sisters and brother getting a new puppy after the last one had met an untimely demise at the jaws of another alligator. I prayed that I wouldn’t be seeing anything like that.

He reached the other shore and now had another problem. He couldn’t put the super duper guarantee bass buster plug in his hands or place it in his pockets. The barbs would dig into his skin, so dad put it between his teeth and swam back.

He safely returned to our side, thank God. Water poured off of him as he proudly marched back upon dry land. He triumphantly hoisted into the warm South Florida air that super duper guarantee bass buster plug that to this day has yet to catch a single bass.

Task Force Miami

Task Force Miami is in total disarray and it's not even the fault of the bad guys.

I'm getting conflicting reports out of Miami that the Marlins have or have not disbanded the Manatees/Mermaids. No one is sure of the matter despite them sending out invitations to the auditions. Shockingly it seems like the Marlins think adding guys to the roster will make people want to pack in the Stadium.

Word to the Marlins, the Dolphins did this little experiment back in 1994. I never ever heard so many negative comments directed at the cheerleaders before or since. Let's face it, guys don't want to see guys jumping around. Nope, they most rather see girls jumping around in revealing attire.

The Miami Heat has yet to release a single full photo of the entire dancing squad. Unbelievable were 16 games into the season and nothing.

The Miami Dolphin Cheerleaders have disbanded for the off season. Your humble correspondent is still scouring the internet for more Amy pics. Once in a while he will stumble upon a few, but they don't match the quality standard. Phooey.

Anyhoo, here's some pics of Ashely Z, Stephanie and Taryn patrolling court side at the AAA.

SOPA/PIPA Update

The battle has been won, but the war continues. Harry Reid stated that the bill will not be brought up for a vote on January 24. However, he did say that it COULD be brought up again in a different form. If you know anything about Washington and how our 'esteemed' leaders operate, you know it WILL be brought up again. Great job guys, but let's keep vigilant and be alert.

SOPA/PIPA Update

On Jan 18 there were 80 supporters to only 31 dissenters to SOPA & PIPA. Jan 19 saw the tide turn, it lost 15 supporters and had 101 against it. Good job people. Don't stop. Keep it up. Here's another Anti-SOPA pic that was made to keep you going.

SOPA and PIPA

In a misguided effort to stop piracy, Congress is set to vote on these bills on January 24, 2012. If they pass, you can basically kiss any social media, including blogger as well as the internet as you know it goodbye. I will be posting a series of edits that a friend made to help pass the word.

Ryan's Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire's Tip of the Day

Sometimes HQ will assign to to a mere mortal superheroine, it has it's advantages and disadvantages.

The advantage is she won't suddenly lose control of her powers during a romantic moment and crush your fragile rib cage, cause the roof to collapse on you, destroy an expensive Sleep Number Bed, accidentally send you back in time, or suffer other embarrassing feats of strength.

The disadvantages are distinct, she is a mere mortal. She is totally capable of succumbing to the same Bronchitis on top of Sinusitis that you contracted while battling the Villainess henchbabe out on the frozen tundra of Wisconsin no matter how fit she is or how well she takes care of that prime body of hers.

Spray everything with Lysol and do it again! Take separate showers, give her the bed and sleep out on the couch, constantly wash those hands of yours. I don't want to be in your shoes when she narrows her angry eyes and points to her throat as her scratchy voice growls, "You did this to me!"

That would be a good time to stock up on chocolates and flowers as well as putting back a weeks worth of pay. You're gonna need all that to get back on her good side once you nurse her back to health.

Hey Mr. Camera Man!

I thought you were supposed to ZOOM in on your subject!

Delays, Delays, Delays

I quote the Greatness that is Marvin the Martian, "Delays, delays, delays!" The Ultra Moon has been delayed yet again. Your humble writer has once again contracted Bronchitis and on top of that Sinusitis, which means I'm sick as a dog. I knew I felt sick, but not this sick. Almost makes me want to say, "You have made me very angry, very angry indeed!"

Anyhoo, I'm off for bed again, perhaps I can dream of Tania or Star, or perhaps Mighty Melinda nursing your favorite neighborhood fighter pilot back to health.

Schtuff

Well, Tony Stark kindly asked to slow down 'Like...You want fries with that?' So I'm going back to the 'Ultra Moon', I have to fill in some obvious holes in the first few pages or have flashbacks for them.

I do plan on making a syllabus for Who's Who in this zany world I write about so my faithful readers can get up to speed on the older stories.

'Hold the Mayo' maybe my next story, based on a RL incident at a BK Steakhouse on the Treasure Coast of F-L-A. Might also throw in what not to do with a headache...jumping to your feet and screaming "Go! Go! Go!" after Tebow connected with Thomas in OT against the Stealers (Yes, I purposely misspelled that for those of you reading in Port St. Lucie).

Lastly, the Dolphins updated the cheerleader section. It gives me a shameful reason to post a pic of perky Samantha!

Kylee

Brrr

Well, it's the third straight day of 30 degree temperatures at my top secret superheroine support base somewhere here Florida. It's only right that I once again post a pic of how life should be. Here's Kylee distracting you from watching the game.

Ryan's Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire's Tip of the Day #4

It's game day! Let's pretend that your favorite team is the Miami Dolphins and they are playing their arch-rival, the New York Jets. Miami is out of the running, but they can still wreck the Jets season by knocking them out of the playoffs.

The game is a nail biter, going into the last few minutes of the game. Miami holds a slim 16-10 lead with the Jets deep in Miami territory. Will Miami hold or will they sadly crumble like your accustomed to? You nearly bite your finger off as the Jets continue to drive.

Suddenly the Jet QB plays like Brett Favre and throws a pass right into the hands of a Miami Dolphin linebacker. He catches it and returns it into Jet territory, basically ending the Jets season. It's perfectly understandable for you to shoot to your feet screaming at the top of your lungs, "Go! Go! Go!". It's normal to jump around and clap your hands as loud as you can. The Dolphins pulled it out and wrecked the Jets season.

However, don't forget your superheroine is in the adjoining room. Her goddess body was ravaged by the latest dastardly weapon of Lex Luthor: The Migraine Projector. Your clapping, screaming, yelling is only going to make her migraine worse, you wouldn't want that on your conscious, would you?

Bittersweet Day

It's always sweet when your team wins, sweeter when they wreck the season of one of their arch nemesis, which is what happened yesterday in Miami. Jason Taylor wasn't the only one retiring. Your humble writer fav Miami Dolphin Cheerleader, Amy, has hung up the pom poms.

Ryan's Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire's Tip 1

Remember, there is a Supreme Being. How else can you explain shapely fiery redheads?