Santa Under Attack!

If you are easily offended by politics do use both a favor and stop reading. Thank you. This is a political satire take on Christmas in 2009. My character Flynn Beck, Glenn Beck spoof, takes on the evil forces political forces threatening Christmas

Hello America, tonight I come to you with a story of Political Correctness run amok; one that no doubt comes deep within the black hearts of Jacob Marley and the Grinch. A story I can hardly believe myself, Santa Claus is under attack on all fronts. That’s right, Santa Claus is under attack. He’s being labeled a sexist racist bigot by union thugs, the government of Australia says he sets a bad example for our kids, he’s a drunk according to MADD, former Vice President Al Gore and PETA released a joint statement condemning Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick for polluting the planet, melting the North Pole ice sheet which results in killing polar bears and penguins; the insanity goes on and on. I don’t know even where to start with this asininity, but I’ll try!

Van Jones, leader of SEIU, as well as a long time friend of President Nobama released a statement stating that SEIU was going to file a suit in federal court against Santa on behalf of Union 999 in North Pole, Alaska. (A.D.D. Moment: North Pole, Alaska, what a coincidence!) The union, which consists entirely of gnomes, state that Santa Claus is a racist for he only hires elves.

The suit also accuses Santa of being a sexist; Father Christmas is alleged only to hire mostly male elves and those elves slave away in his toy factory. Santa does hire a few female elves. The attractive female elves do not work in the factory, according to the suit. They are dressed in skimpy deep cut miniskirt versions of Santa’s red suit; the hot babes serve the hot cocoa and sugar cookies to the hard working male elves at break time. (A.D.D. Moment: Maybe this explains why Lieutenant Ryan Wolf always volunteers to help escort Santa every year?) However, it is alleged that the unattractive female elves are dressed in traditional female elf attire and perform secretarial work, thus lowering the self esteem of unattractive females.

Former Vice President Al Gore stated that Union 999 would be very helpful to Santa. Gnomes live in the forest, they love nature; they would help Santa develop new green technology that would stop Santa’s toy factory from belching harmful pollution into the arctic atmosphere, thus increasing global warming and melting the arctic ice sheet.

Gore continued as he stated this would be the last year of Christmas as we know it. Due to Santa’s pollution, the arctic ice sheet will entirely melt this year! Polar Bears and penguins would be extinct in 2010 because of the melted ice sheets as well as killing seals, walruses, whales and other arctic marine life due to his sinful factory sinking into the depths of the Arctic Ocean. (A.D.D. Moment: All this coming from the man who invented the internet?) PETA added Santa would be guilty of murder.

Gore finished as he claimed he would fight Santa’s relocation to the South Pole. The Former Vice President and PETA would fight tooth and nail to stop the new factory from going up. They vowed Santa would be drowned in permits until new greener technologies could be implanted to stop Mr. C. from killing the innocent polar bears and caribou of Antarctica. (A.D.D. Moment: Al Gore won a Nobel Prize? How?) MADD joined the madness by adding that Santa is teaching our kids it’s okay to drive drunk; they stated that Santa has a nip here and there, a cold one here, followed by some spiked eggnog and Good Ol’ Jolly St. Nick is sloshed! He’s flying his sled drunker than Ted Kennedy driving over a bridge in Massachusetts in the middle of the night!

Lastly the government of Australia released a statement that Santa is a bad role model for our children. Why? His reindeer pollute the environment on his yearly flight of spreading Christmas cheer to all the good little boys and girls; they poop and urinate on houses as well as during the middle of flight. Plus Santa is too fat! That’s right, the jovial man is too fat; he’s teaching our kids that it’s okay to be fat. He makes fat look cool and fun! He eats nothing but donuts and cookies as well as drink eggnog all Christmas Eve. Australia stated that he should eat on celery stick and drink water throughout the night. (A.D.D. Moment: Donuts are much tastier than celery sticks. M&Ms on donuts make the perfect Christmas snack, but that’s just me.) If you think that the former penal colony was finished ripping Santa, it’s not! Santa must lose weight, but delivery the goodies in a different way. Santa needs to through the bag on his back and run; by a bicycle and peddle all over the world, which in turns leads up back to Global Warming! Reindeer flatulence!

And you really want health care from the government…really?

America, I bid you goodnight, enjoy this blessed holiday season with your family I’m going to have some eggnog and some delicious M&M donuts. Goodnight America, and God Bless.

I made the Glenn Beck Show!

Unfortunately this aired during a RP wedding, most people didn't see it. Sigh.

***

“Hello America! Tonight is my first interview of 2011. My guest brought this,” Glenn Beck said and picked up a box of donuts. He flashed a cheesy smile, “That’s right, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Ryan Tiberius Wolf of the United States Naval Air Force. Join me!”

He placed the box down in front of him and turned to face the dashing fighter pilot, “Lieutenant Commander Ryan Wolf, welcome to the show!”

“Thank you Glenn, I’m happy to be back,” Wolf replied.

“You’ve been friends with Wonder Woman for a long time. You’ve had adventures, escorted her on dangerous missions, and rescued her from Mystique’s clutches as well being her sidekick for a while.” Beck paused for a moment, the silence nearly killing his guest. “What caused you to fire that missile at Wonder Woman?”

Ryan sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“I mean, you two were getting all dreamy eyed and looking at each other during that Wonder Woman #600 interview. You had poor Diana so distracted with taking her to Krispy Kreme that she lost her train of thought not once, not twice, but thrice!”

The USN officer looked Beck straight in the eyes, “It was a joint S.H.I.E.L.D. US Navy training exercise. I was ordered to fire and I fired without hesitation.”

“Even though it was Wonder Woman; an American icon since 1941, a woman that you’ve had a crush on since 1975.”

“Yes,” the unapologetic pilot replied.

“And that’s why you were promoted to Lieutenant Commander?”

Wolf made a strange face and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. I have no idea. You’ll have to ask Ms. Romanova.”

The Libertarian stopped and looked up, “Hey Stu! Contact S.H.I.E.L.D. and ask politely if Miss Natalia Romanova would like to be a guest on the show.” Beck turned his attention back to his donut loving guest. “That missile you fired the AIM-250-X…”

“AIM-X-250,” Ryan quickly corrected.

“250-X, X-250, whatever!” the guest laughed as he animated his hands, “It’s a Stark missile. You bought Hellcat, per se, from Tony Stark. Was this part of the deal?”

Ryan gave him a curious look, “Since when did you become a conspiracy theorist?”

“It’s not a conspiracy, it’s a fair question. You took Hellcat off Tony Stark’s hands and the missile was manufactured by Stark. You fired on Wonder Woman.” Beck threw out his hands and finished, “Next day…voila! You’re a lieutenant commander!”

“I think you’ve had one too many M&M donuts, Glenn,” Wolf replied as he pulled the donut box towards him.

“Is that the best you can do?”

“No. There was no super duper top secret conspiracy deal. Hellcat wasn’t happy with the deal, that is…”

“That is?”

“Until I gave her a donut, next thing I knew I had made a friend for life. She asked me if I could be her private pilot.”

“Private pilot?”

“Yes, she somehow got her soft furry paws on an F-4 Phantom. I strapped her in and flew her down to the Florida Keys. I bought her a few bikinis and a juicy hamburger, she’s been sleeping at my feet ever since.”

“I bet that made your mom happy,” Beck dryly added.

The Miami native shrugged his shoulders, “Well, I feed her and she keeps the Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons from knocking on my door.”

Beck began to stammer, “I, uh, well, that’s…interesting.” There was an awkward silence until the Fox News Host flashed a forced smile. “I don’t need my sources to tell me that you’ve been hanging around fiery redheads as of late; Hellcat, Black Widow, and Tarot the Black Rose Witch. Why is that?”

“Wouldn’t you, if you could?” Wolf answered. The Fox Reporter began to squirm in his chair as the fighter pilot turned the tide of battle. Ryan continued, “I mean they’re fun, feisty, busty, and most of all…sultry.”

Beck channeled his professionalism and changed the subject. “I see you’re posting tips on your Sitemodel page. Is this to help out the young up and coming whipper snappers?”

“Yes. Ryan’s Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire’s Tip of the Day, I’m simply trying to pass my knowledge to the young ones. It was tough bumpy road to becoming a Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire. I’m just trying to do my part and give back to the superhero community.”

Glenn Beck turned away from the navy fighter pilot, “There you have it America. Join me next time when I find out just how fiery and sultry Black Widow can be!”