10 Years of Ryan Wolf

Official collage of a decade of Ryan Wolf. My next feat will be to tell who's who...someday.

10 Years of Ryan Wolf

Iron Man KOs Black Widow

In the strange but true section, Robert Downey, Jr was fiddling around with his Iron Man suit on the set of the Avengers. He pushed a "wrong" button and promptly hit Scarlett Johansson directly in the face. She fell backwards and fell off the platform where the other actors were. Our heroine bounced back a few minutes later and cracked a smile. However, I hear that the comic book version of Black Widow is out for blood.

(Scan from Secret Avengers 15)

44 Cents

The following short short story is based on a real life incident earlier in the week.

***

Debriefings, I detest them. After 10,000 mile round trip I much rather go home, take a hot shower, collapse on my warm inviting bed, and cozy up to a sultry redheaded buxom superheroine. However, if you add a couple of donuts into the mix, I might be persuaded put up with them. The US Navy did just that after my F/A-37 squadron arrived back to Gotham NAS (For those of you reading in Port St. Lucie, Florida that means the donuts were on your dime.) It was their way of congratulating us after our successful bombing run on Tripoli.

26 MiG-23 Floggers, six II-76 transports, and four MiG-25 Foxbats were destroyed along with one MI-23 Hind Helicopter. Khadaffi’s air force was critically wounded. The Navy declared it a rousing success. Me? I just wanted to go home, collapse on my nice warm bed and snuggle with a curvaceous fiery Hellcat.

My wish was mercifully granted; Commander Boone dismissed us. I stood up, nodded, and grabbed one donut for the road in one not-so-fluid motion. He shook his head as I headed out for the homestead. I was chewing the last bit of that sinfully delicious silky smooth morsel when a long black stretch limousine pulled up alongside of me. I could see the Stark Industries logo painted on the limo’s armored side. I knew instantly that it was my favorite person in the whole wide world, Mr. Tony Stark. (That was sarcasm for those of you reading in Port St. Lucie, Florida.)

The dark tinted window rolled down revealing a beaming Tony Stark, “Congratulations Commander!”

“Thank you, Mr. Stark,” I replied nodding my tired head.

“Stark Industries stock should be skyrocketing after that successful display of American Firepower!” he proudly proclaimed as his eyes quickly transformed into dazzling green dollar signs.

“All in days work,” I calmly replied, betraying the fact that I desperately wanted nothing more to go home and wrap my arms around Hellcat’s soft sexy frame.

“I’m so glad I caught you, Commander,” the man behind Iron Man stated as he reached inside his silk jacket. He pulled out a white envelope as he continued, “This saves me a trip to the post office.” I watched in pure unadulterated shock as he pulled the Liberty Bell stamp off the envelope. I stood there speechless as he handed it to me with the stamp in his other hand. “Thanks for the donuts for the Gotham Military Ball, Madame Mirage sends her best!”

Tony stopped and put the stamp onto a piece of plastic. “Perfect! Thanks Commander!” The window rolled back up as the dark limo pulled away. I stood there speechless, dumbfounded as I watched the limo drive away. The man is worth more than $44 Billion (Capital B for those of you reading in Port St. Lucie, Florida) dollars and he’s quivering over a pity ante measly 44 cent stamp.

I glanced down at the envelope in total bewilderment. I looked back up as the limo drove out of sight; either the economy was still in the crapper or Patsy Hellstrom was right, Tony Stark is that cheap.

I made the Glenn Beck Show!

Unfortunately this aired during a RP wedding, most people didn't see it. Sigh.

***

“Hello America! Tonight is my first interview of 2011. My guest brought this,” Glenn Beck said and picked up a box of donuts. He flashed a cheesy smile, “That’s right, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Ryan Tiberius Wolf of the United States Naval Air Force. Join me!”

He placed the box down in front of him and turned to face the dashing fighter pilot, “Lieutenant Commander Ryan Wolf, welcome to the show!”

“Thank you Glenn, I’m happy to be back,” Wolf replied.

“You’ve been friends with Wonder Woman for a long time. You’ve had adventures, escorted her on dangerous missions, and rescued her from Mystique’s clutches as well being her sidekick for a while.” Beck paused for a moment, the silence nearly killing his guest. “What caused you to fire that missile at Wonder Woman?”

Ryan sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“I mean, you two were getting all dreamy eyed and looking at each other during that Wonder Woman #600 interview. You had poor Diana so distracted with taking her to Krispy Kreme that she lost her train of thought not once, not twice, but thrice!”

The USN officer looked Beck straight in the eyes, “It was a joint S.H.I.E.L.D. US Navy training exercise. I was ordered to fire and I fired without hesitation.”

“Even though it was Wonder Woman; an American icon since 1941, a woman that you’ve had a crush on since 1975.”

“Yes,” the unapologetic pilot replied.

“And that’s why you were promoted to Lieutenant Commander?”

Wolf made a strange face and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. I have no idea. You’ll have to ask Ms. Romanova.”

The Libertarian stopped and looked up, “Hey Stu! Contact S.H.I.E.L.D. and ask politely if Miss Natalia Romanova would like to be a guest on the show.” Beck turned his attention back to his donut loving guest. “That missile you fired the AIM-250-X…”

“AIM-X-250,” Ryan quickly corrected.

“250-X, X-250, whatever!” the guest laughed as he animated his hands, “It’s a Stark missile. You bought Hellcat, per se, from Tony Stark. Was this part of the deal?”

Ryan gave him a curious look, “Since when did you become a conspiracy theorist?”

“It’s not a conspiracy, it’s a fair question. You took Hellcat off Tony Stark’s hands and the missile was manufactured by Stark. You fired on Wonder Woman.” Beck threw out his hands and finished, “Next day…voila! You’re a lieutenant commander!”

“I think you’ve had one too many M&M donuts, Glenn,” Wolf replied as he pulled the donut box towards him.

“Is that the best you can do?”

“No. There was no super duper top secret conspiracy deal. Hellcat wasn’t happy with the deal, that is…”

“That is?”

“Until I gave her a donut, next thing I knew I had made a friend for life. She asked me if I could be her private pilot.”

“Private pilot?”

“Yes, she somehow got her soft furry paws on an F-4 Phantom. I strapped her in and flew her down to the Florida Keys. I bought her a few bikinis and a juicy hamburger, she’s been sleeping at my feet ever since.”

“I bet that made your mom happy,” Beck dryly added.

The Miami native shrugged his shoulders, “Well, I feed her and she keeps the Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons from knocking on my door.”

Beck began to stammer, “I, uh, well, that’s…interesting.” There was an awkward silence until the Fox News Host flashed a forced smile. “I don’t need my sources to tell me that you’ve been hanging around fiery redheads as of late; Hellcat, Black Widow, and Tarot the Black Rose Witch. Why is that?”

“Wouldn’t you, if you could?” Wolf answered. The Fox Reporter began to squirm in his chair as the fighter pilot turned the tide of battle. Ryan continued, “I mean they’re fun, feisty, busty, and most of all…sultry.”

Beck channeled his professionalism and changed the subject. “I see you’re posting tips on your Sitemodel page. Is this to help out the young up and coming whipper snappers?”

“Yes. Ryan’s Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire’s Tip of the Day, I’m simply trying to pass my knowledge to the young ones. It was tough bumpy road to becoming a Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire. I’m just trying to do my part and give back to the superhero community.”

Glenn Beck turned away from the navy fighter pilot, “There you have it America. Join me next time when I find out just how fiery and sultry Black Widow can be!”

A Date with a Reluctant Princess

After a stressful day of pushing a stack of paper that looked like Pike’s Peak, Super IADC Agent Diana Prince arrived at Wonder Woman’s office. Wonder Woman’s alter ego threw her purse on the sofa and collapsed next to it.

Thankfully it was my day off; I strolled out to the living room and saw my gorgeous friend remove her gaudy glasses. She put them in her purse as I stopped and sat next to her as I asked, “You look like hell.”

“Thanks for the compliment,” she paused and continued dryly, “Lieutenant.”

“You’re welcome,” I replied mischievously smiling, I gently grabbed her hand as I picked up her purse, “Let’s go out, my treat!”

“Ryan!” she protested as I pulled her up and dragged the reluctant agent to the door, “Ryan! Ryan!”

I took her to the Gotham AMC 48 movie theater on the Gotham River. If you’re ever in Gotham, do yourself a favor and go to the AMC 48; tickets are only five bucks Monday through Thursday. I know I just admitted I’m a cheap date, but most of you already knew that. I took her to see Iron Man.

I still had to drag the reluctant alter ego of Wonder Woman into the theatre; I used my AMC reward card and was awarded a free bag of small popcorn. I quickly surrendered the lucky coupon to a smirking Diana; she shook her head as she took it from me.

I then offered my hand; she begrudgingly accepted and wrapped her soft arm around mine; I led her to the concession stand. Diana didn’t redeem the coupon, instead she ordered a Diet Coke-a superheroine has to keep her figure you know. In case you’re wondering what I ordered, which I doubt you do, I ordered a Cherry Coke.

The movie soon started and we were sitting there stunned at a steamy scene that popped up a few minutes into it. I slightly pulled my head back as my eyes widen at what I saw; Diana cleared her throat, “Ahem,” as she discreetly rubbed the side of her head with her hand.

“My, that looks familiar,” I mumbled lowly.

Diana's wondrous hearing picked up my words; she kept her eyes glued to the screen as leaned over and purred in my ear, “I bet it does.”

The movie ended and we sat through the credits to see the brief teaser; you won’t be disappointed if you do sit through the credits. “Wow,” a smiling Diana mumbled before I broke into singing a certain song from a certain cartoon, which will remain nameless, I don’t want to spoil the fun.

Diana rolled her eyes and moaned, “You and that silly song…”

A few hours later, after dinner, we arrived back at her office. I opened up the door, she smiled and thanked me. She walked in and sat down at the table in the kitchen; I quickly took my cue and pretended to have a microphone in my hand.

“Diana, are we supposed to believe all official reports, that Wonder Woman just appears where ever you’re at?” I asked as I neared, “As if it’s all some sort of accident that you two are always around each other but never seen together?”

Diana raised an eye brow, “What are you implying, Ryan?”

“Diana, are you Wonder Woman?” I asked as I put the invisible microphone near her luscious mouth.

“No self respecting superheroine would be caught dead wearing these,” she answered as she removed her hideous glasses. She paused and continued, “She also wouldn’t wear her hair like this.” Diana reached up and loosened her loose pony tail; her silky raven hair fell to her shoulders as she finished, “Nor would she go see a movie starring a comic hero from a rival comic book publisher.”

I nodded my head as she finished, but she wasn’t finished. She slowly leaned up and wrapped her soft arms around my neck, as she finished, “But to answer your question,” Diana’s voice turned rather sultry tone as she continued, “Yes…I am.”

We slowly kissed, the Amazon Princess moaned against my lips, “Thank you, Ryan, for a wonderful night.”

“Any time, princess,” I replied as we moved in for another slow deep kiss.

It’s good to be the sidekick!