A Christmas Wish Come True!!!

 Great Scott! The Pumpkin King has Wonder Woman wrapped up in a Christmas wreath!!! But, um, Wonder Woman doesn't seem to mind...

Happy Halloween Foolish Mortals!

NaNoWriMo Update

This year, after some prodding from a good friend, I joined NaNoWriMo. I started late, but I'm making good, for me that is. I have written 8,000+ words. I finished a short story with Mighty Melinda as the main character, with an original character of mine, Ruby, making an appearance. I plan on using it as a launching point for a series. Star Spangled Girl made an appearance. Ultra Woman is tentatively scheduled for the second installment. If you want your character to meet a walking talking mystic pumpkin...lemme know. I'll put them in it.

The Pumpkinator

Beware foolish mortals, the Pumpkin King is back! He's upgraded and now calls himself the Pumpkinator. He's still rabidly insane on avenging the yearly slaughter of pumpkins. All redhead heroines need to take heed; he claims they lower his melting point. He'll stop at nothing to turn one into one of his mindless queens. So be on your guard when indulging in your favorite pumpkin goody or you might not see Thanksgiving...

Tonight Foolish Mortal...

Tonight, foolish mortal you will meet your doom if you are not fully prepared. The Pumpkin will wander the earth seeking to extract revenge for the mass slaughter of pumpkins. He would like nothing better to defeat your heroine and turn her into another one of his mindless queens. Sexy Temptress will abound tonight, avoid their siren calls or you and your heroine are doomed. Not even the mighty Task Force Miami could withstand the ghastly horror. A group of them were transformed into a hideous kraken before Amazin' Amy was able to fight off the mesmerizing spell and save the day.

T-N-T Halloween Mix-Up

I do not own the rights to Tarot, the Witch of the Black Rose, she belongs to Jim Balent. This is just a piece of fan fiction.

***

Twas Halloween night, a night reserved for me to defend Western Civilization against ghastly ghoulish dark forces of the Mole Men, accidental werewolves, sexy bodacious vampiresses, rooty tooty fresh-n-fruity wannabe monarchs, undead Black Lanterns Hellbent on making wanton bloodshed. I relentlessly battled these forces with the assistance of Club Sedux’s most curvy clientele. Club Sedux was always zany and bizarre but Halloween was the pinnacle. It was downright Spooktacular! Dana Tan wouldn’t have it any other way, it was her birthday, but Gotham’s Health Department had other ideas. They shut the doors and locked it up for scores of health code violations.

No telling if Lady White pulled a Lady Blue and failed to pay the usual bribe. Thank God Dana wasn’t around to see this on her birthday. No doubt her evil twin might regenerate herself from Dana’s rabid rage and attempt to nuke Atlanta again.
So, here I was at my donut shop instead of Sedux, handing out dark chocolate pumpkins to all the little ghouls and goblins instead of saving the world with a voluptuous woman in my arm while munching on an apple cider donut. It was a tough job but someone had to do it; sadly it wouldn’t be me on this dreadful cool spooky October night.

There I was bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t need to save the world this year when the front doors burst wide open. My eyes filled with utter disbelief at the sight I beheld, my frenemy the Pumpkin King nearly tripped over half a dozen chairs as he clumsily made his way to the counter. He attempted to jump over the counter, but his viny foot struck the top of the counter. The rooty tooty fresh-n-fruity wannabe monarch tumbled over it and ungracefully fell to the floor. He gave the tiled floor a great big smooch with his mouth. He collected himself, wrapped his viny arms around his slender body and shook like an elm leaf during Hurricane Irene.

For a brief moment I could’ve sworn he had his ‘fingers’ in his grotesquely carved jagged mouth as he continued to shake and shiver behind the counter. I blinked, I blinked again, again I blinked and again. I closed my eyes and shook my head; I opened them and I still saw PK cowering behind my counter.

Okay, this shivering yellow spined monarch wasn’t an undigested bit of a pumpkin donut, a piece of candy corn, a crumb of pumpkin pie, a fragment of a caramel candied apple, or any other Halloween delectable swimming in my stomach. I dryly asked, “PK, what’s the big idea?”

His ‘teeth’ chattered as he stuttered out a shivering reply, “Q-Q-Q-Quiet…my boy…t-t-t-they may h-h-h-hear y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you…”

“They?” I replied putting my head back.

“Where is he!?!” I heard a soft demanding voice booming from the doors.

I turned and saw T-N-T at the door, Tara le Fay and Tarot the Witch of the Black Rose. Rowan Hex marched into the shop with her fist balled full of anger. Thick black chocking smoke billowed from her ears. She looked…different. Tara was right behind her. The smug Sith confidently strolled in like she owned my humble donut shop. She too…looked different.

“Who?” I asked trying to absorb the surreal scene that was unraveling around me.
“By the goddess don’t be coy with my flyboy!” the fiery feisty redhead goddess threatened me as she pointed her soft finger at my face.

Something freaky took place in Salem, Massachusetts; Rowan would never act like this. In fact, something was seriously wrong. Rowan had Tara’s height and figure; the fiery redhead was fully covered. It was amazing, downright unbelievable! Tarot Hex was clothed, dressed in Tara’s Sith skin tight battle attire. It was a miracle; for a moment there I thought the world had stopped turning on its axis. Tara, wearing Rowan’s enchanted battle armor, was scantily clad and nearly bursting forth from her top, she had Rowan’s curvaceous celestial figure.

“Don’t be so harsh on Mr. Donut, Rowan. A 36C chest is nothing to sneeze at…ya know?” Tara mildly chided her best friend as she admired her new figure, her soft hands slowly running over her new creamy swollen chest. “Besides, this will be a perfect excuse to go shopping for new clothes!”

That’s when it hit me; Rowan was Tara, Tara was Rowan. Why not starting acting like PK? He wouldn’t mind. He was too busy cowering behind the counter where I placed my pumpkin donuts. Ironic, isn’t it?

I tilted my head and closed one eye; I shamelessly wagged my finger at the now petite Witch of the Black Rose. “Manners my dear…manners. M-A-N-N-E-R-S. I know your mom taught you manners my dear. When someone is addressed as ‘Mister’ it is a sign of respect. You need to show that respect my dear. The very same respect that Tara showed me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T, that what is has to be…my dear. Tara addressed me as Mr. Donut. ‘Twas very nice of her to address me with respect, obviously her mother taught her well. Manners you are sorely lacking…my dear…as the Swordmaiden of the goddess I thought you above all people would use them.”

Tara smirked as I momentarily stopped and turned to face her, my finger continued to shamelessly point at Tarot. “Tara…my dear. You look splendid tonight…simply splendid! Would you like to dance with me at my sacred pumpkin patch tonight…hmm?”

I turned my attention back to the not-so-amused-witch. She scowled and folded her soft arms across her chest as I once again to shamelessly wag my index finger at her, “You should be ashamed of yourself young lady for treating pumpkin royalty as though it were a common rutabaga knave. Ashamed indeed young lady.”

“You do that too well, Ryan,” Tara interjected.

“Yes, he does,” an unamused Tarot concurred.

The two sensuous beauties exchanged a brief glance and shook their head. Tarot turned back to me, “He’s here, isn’t he?

“BAH!” I thundered as I slammed my fist against the counter. “Blasphemy…simply blasphemy, my dears! I wouldn’t be caught dead as a pumpkin pie loaded with tons of Cool Whip in this Eddie Rickenbacker wannabe’s little shop of horrors! Pumplings by the millions are murdered! They die in vain each year and get turned into abominable creations like donuts, breads, and the aforementioned pies!” Inside I was beaming, I was thoroughly enjoying this and there wasn’t a blasted thing that PK could do to stop me. I continued my rant, “Me being inside this pumpkin purgatory…I think not…my dears. The nerve of you two to suggest that I…the PUMPKIN KING…would be cowering behind the pumpkin donut display. This is Halloween; I should be out scaring those meddling kids and their dog. Please,” I stopped turned to my left as I folded my arms across my broad chest and stuck my snooty nose into the air.

PK suddenly sprang to his feet like he were shot out of an electromagnetic gun rail, his fiery triangular eyes were as large as king sized Oreo cookies. His jaggedly carved face spouted pure horror, “Bill! George! Ralph! MY PUMPLINGS!”

Tara and Tarot sneered as they reached for their fierce weapons. Tarot’s mystical sword and Tara’s purple light sabre struck PK’s orange rotund gourde head. Swirling mystical purple and aqua energies danced around PK, ethereal streaks of pink flew from his severely lacerated head. PK let out a pathetic scream of agony and shrunk into a single radiant point of light. A pumpkin pie loaded with tons of Cool Whip landed on the counter as the radiant point of light dimmed into nothing.

I looked up and Tara and Tarot’s figures were back were they belonged. The Sith grimaced and poohed, “Well, there went a perfectly good excuse to go shopping.”

Tarot’s goddess face sported an evil gleeful smile, “What’s the big idea Tara, a 36C is nothing to sneeze at…ya know?”

I quickly broke out three plates and forks before the two succulent ladies could get into a cat fight and level my humble little shop of horrors. “Ladies, it’s Halloween! Time to celebrate PK’s just desserts!”

Yes, we had a delicious time celebrating PK’s just desserts; that is until a freckled face thirteen year old boy wearing spectacles walked into the shop. He was dressed up as Harry Potter. His face lit up as he spotted Rowan. He smiled widely, showing off his new shiny gaudy braces, as he pointed his scrawny thin finger at the fiery redhead, “Hey! You’re that naked supernatural chick I saved last Halloween!”

Poor Rowan…

Kiss of the Vampiress-Part 2

The dramatic climatic conclusion of the Kiss of the Vampiress! (Pic...Marlina Moreno)

***

Dana and Ryan walked hand and paw as they traversed the Haunted Woods; the eerie fog grew thicker as the dreadful pirate music continued to grow louder with every step. They soon came upon a burnt wreckage of a US Navy F/A-18 Super Hornet.

Ryan placed his furry paw on the tail of what used to be a Jolly Roger F/A-18 Super Hornet; the skull and crossbones on the tail section sported burn marks, it was the only recognizable part of the doomed aircraft. The rest of the dead naval bug was charred. “So this is where it landed,” Ryan mumbled, “Damn. Millions of hard earned US tax payer money literally went up in smoke!”

“I’ll get that Pumpkin King if it’s the last thing I do!” the perturbed Wolf snarled as a filthy black raven landed on a fiery autumn tree limb above him.

“It wasn’t the Pumpkin King,” Dana replied shaking her head as she rested her appealing hand atop the aviator’s warm fuzzy paw.

“I saw it with my own eyes, Dana. Pumpkin Puss destroyed my Crossfire and went after the Hornet; his appetite for destruction is insatiable!” Ryan countered as his strong fluffy fist struck the crispy fried fuselage.

The voluptuous Vamp calmly dropped a bombshell, “I created the legend of the Pumpkin King to keep Bluey out of the pumpkin patch.” Dana stopped, looked around, leaned towards Ryan, and whispered, “It’s where I store my secret cache of Halloween candies. She gave him a wink and let the tall dark handsome Werewolf ponder her confession.

Ryan mentally dusted off from the 500 pound verbal bomb that Dana dropped, as the dust settled in his brain he only came to one irrational pirate hating realization; The Wolf dryly growled, “So, it was the Blueberry Queen.”

***

The blue haired ninja flashed Tara a funny look; she looked back at her faithful sweet buxom sidekick, Lady White, and politely asked, “White-sama, can you watch the bar for a minute?”

Lady White, dressed a sexy devil, closed her eyes and nodded her head, “Sure thing Blue-sama!”

Blue grabbed Tara by the wrist and whisked her away into a back room; she pushed the amused Wolf into the room, looked it see if anyone was looking, and slammed the door shut. She folded her arms under her ample chest and huffed, “What’s gotten into you, Tara?”

“Don’t be coy with me,” Tara replied still purring away as she placed her hands on her delicate hips, “I know what you did to Dana.” She leaned forward as her eyes sparkled, “I know all about the ninshine you placed in her soda.”

“Ninshine? Er, uh, um, ah, isn’t that stuff illegal,” the squirming tap dancing ninja replied.


“Illegal as hell!” Tara laughed as she sported a smug smile, “You and Dana have shared the title of Ms. Kunoichi for the past three years. Blue flashed a nervous smile as Tara continued to tell her tale as she slowly walked around the sweating still squirming blue haired ninja, “So you devised a devious plan to inebriate Dana, thus you’d be a shoo-in to win the title.” Tara picked up an index finger, “But there’s one slight miscalculation on your part.”

“And, uh, that is?” the anxious kunoichi replied as she played with her nervous fingers.

“Captain America was supposed to be the judge and he’s been called away on urgent Avenger business by order the American President, which leaves Ryan as the backup,” she quickly changed the subject as she continued, “Really though, Bluey, I don’t know what you see in either of them, Red X, or Iron Fist for that matter.” Tara stopped, placed her hands on Blue’s tense shoulders and cooed in her ear, “Ryan’s with that tramp, Dana, he inadvertently drank some of the tainted soda.”

Blue’s violet eyes exploded with fear as Tara exploded into a hideous laughter; she just wanted Dana out of the way so she could win the title, not harm her precious Ryan-kun, he was her numero uno pilot! Blue quickly spun around and saw Tara’s eyes glowing green. The blue haired ninja narrowed her now angry violet’s, “You!”
“Yes, my child,” the Temptress of Malevolence replied as she shifted her weight to her right hip and placed her soft hand on top, “I must say, Tara’s been an excellent host.”

No sooner had she finished that Tara started to cough uncontrollably; the host of the Temptress fell to her knees as she continued to cough. The coughing Wolf suddenly started to wheeze as she placed her hand onto her bust.
Blue quickly knelt down next to Tara; she placed her hands on her shoulders as she asked with great concern, “Tara-sama are you alright?”

“Quite,” she coldly answered and used her Force enhanced speed to grab Blue cheek’s and pulled the stunned ninja onto her ruby red lips; the Temptress gave Blue a big kiss as the skilled Kunoichi vainly fought to push away, seconds later the Temptress released her host and Tara fell to the floor.

The cautious ninja took a few steps back as the moaning Wolf slowly rose to a knee; the haggard woman brushed some locks of silky raven hair aside and looked up at blue, her electric blue eyes had returned. The ninja and Wolf started a staring contest, one that Tara would break as she uttered, “Wow, I forgot what it’s like to be evil.”

***

The ear splitting raucous pirate music ended as Ryan’s sharp claw hit the stop button on Dana’s CD player, Ryan knew he had been set up; he looked back at sexy succubus and expected to see her pointing her wicked side arms at him.
Instead, the smug ninja had folded her arms in front of her chest as Ryan turned around, the Werewolf asked, “Why?”

The vampires ninja waltzed up next to her mortal enemy and pushed another button. Duran Duran’s ‘Hungry like the Wolf’ began to play as she momentarily gazed into his dark eyes and sashayed away. She continued to remain silent as put her hands up, gracefully twirled around and faced Ryan, “The Haunted Woods are the only safe place where a Vampiress and Werewolf can mate.”

Ryan put his furry arms out and replied, “Why tonight? We could’ve done this anytime after we rescued Bluey from Dr. Doom’s Castle.”

Dana gave him a wanton look before she gave him her back and purred, “Because.” Ryan’s ears perked up as his super sensitive Lycan hearing could hear her zipper unzipping. The curious Wolf tilted his head as she continued, “Tonight’s the only time a Vampiress is,” Dana continued as she turned around giving Ryan an eyeful of her impressive 36c bust, “Fertile.”

She threw her head back, her silky brown hair bounce in place as she took a deep breath causing her nearly freed breasts to jiggle; she shifted her wait to her right hip and rested her soft hands on her hips. The luscious seductress licked her intoxicating glossy red lips, “Like what you see, babe?”

His fluffy tail and furry ears stood at attention as his eyes filled with unadulterated lust; the Wolf most definitely liked what he saw. Dana could easily see that, Ryan’s wet slobbering drooling tongue was dangling a millimeter from the damp foggy ground.

***

Lady Blue helped Tara up; she wrapped her arm around the Jedi’s waist and walked her out into the hall, “Are you alright?”

Tara placed a hand on her head and moaned, “I think so.” She shook her head as she looked down at the floor, “Gods, I’ve never felt that kind of intoxicating power before.”

Blue was about to reply when her sensitive ninja nose picked up a foul scent; she stopped and sniffed the air. Tara smelt it too; she grimaced as the two looked at each other, grimacing. “What’s that smell?” Lady Blue.

Tara winced as she replied, “Whatever it is; it’s pretty damned ripe!”

“Gross,” Blue grimaced and walked Tara back out to the bar. Mercifully the smell dissipated; Tara flicked her wrist, moments later her skirt flew into her awaiting hands.

***

The smug vamp took a couple of steps towards the fully aroused Wolf; suddenly she lost her footing and stumbled into him. Ryan caught her and looked down at her, “Dana, are you alright?”

She slowly picked up her light head and looked at him with her glassy red eyes, Dana saw two blurry dark Wolves and replied as she weakly wrapped a soft arm around his fuzzy body, “No, babe. I’m very dizzy.”

Ryan bent his knees as was about to effortlessly pick her up when his knees buckled; his knees sunk into the damp ground as they kissed the foggy terra firma. The dazed Wolf shook his head as he labored to breathe; he fell backwards, taking the wobbly Vampiress with him as he hit the ground hard.

***

Xu was carefully poured the rancid concoction into the transmorgafier refiner; it would take mixture and refine it to a higher yield as well as duplicating the liquid. He closed the little hatch as he let out a low evil snicker; he glanced over at the control pad. His eyes widen as he realized he made a miscalculation, the red light was blinking; only scant seconds left till detonation, “Oh drat.” A split second later a toxic green mushroom cloud of smoke enveloped the tavern.

The locals exited the tavern coughing, gasping, and gagging at the putrid rancid toxic green gas that filled the watering hole. Lady Blue and Lady White helped a hacking coughing Tara out of the tavern; the toxic smell did nothing to help her after her little encounter with the Temptress.

“That’s it!” Croc thundered, “Next time the Higher Power says to eat at Taco Bell, I’m saying HELL NO!”

Ch’p flew out behind Crocodile; the little Green Lantern had a green mask over his head as he helped direct traffic out into the parking lot. “That’s the last time I bring a triple refried double stuffed burrito for Croc,” Chp commented.

The erotic and very sophisticated Talia ah-Ghul marched out taking a drag on her long cigarette, she was quite revolted to say the least; “At least Ryan didn’t turn me into a Werewolf this year,” she huffed as she marched out the Tavern wildly waving her hand in the air.

Xu staggered out and belched a single puffy greenish cloud of smoke. He looked sorta like a raccoon; his face was totally toxic green except for the light spot around his eyes, where his safety goggles were.

He stopped a few steps in front of the door, blankly blinking as patrons continued to pour out of the smoky rancid smelly bar. A dog walked out the woods and sat in front of the evil doctor, the pooches tail began to wag as another dog sauntered out. It, too, sat down in front of the mind numb Asian man; Xu looked down at the happy canines. A few seconds later, a few more walked up as they wagged their happy tails; off in the woods he could hear a pack of dogs howling at the full moon.
Xu realized he had made another terrifying blunder, Lady Blue didn’t find him irresistible; it was the mangy dogs! To his chagrin Lady Blue’s loveable dog, Sturmer strolled out; he stopped and sat down. The massive Mastiff’s eyes transformed into a pair of crimson pumping hearts; unadulterated fear gripped Xu’s face, canines-including Sturmer, not Lady Blue, found him totally irresistible! He ran away screaming his lungs out as the happy yipping yapping barking dogs followed in his horror filled wake.

Dana awoke with her head on fire, she opened her burning eyes. The Tan ninja could sense she was in the donut shop; the whole room was spinning at warp speed. Mercifully the room slowed to impulse speed and the wildly spinning kaleidoscope of color became the donut shop. The dizzy Kunoichi felt she was lying atop a warm body, she looked down and saw a blur, her eyes couldn’t focus, “Ryan, is that you babe?” she weakly asked.

Ryan was lying on the cold tile floor; he awoke in utter pain as well, his right arm was wrapped around her petite waist. He gently rubbed her back as he moaned, “Mom never said it would be like this.”

Dana brushed a few strands of haggard hair from her eyes, “You alright?”

“Besides the back, neck, and excruciating headache, I’m beautiful,” Ryan faintly answered as his other hand gently caressed her hand, “You?”

The woozy Kunoichi realized she was still wearing her smexy outfit; she looked down at herself and saw her top unzipped down to a dangerous level, a copious amount of inviting cleavage was bursting forth onto Ryan’s bare masculine chest. She grabbed her top and looked back up at Ryan, “Did we do anything?”

“All I remember is a neurotic dream,” Ryan replied rolling his burning head over onto the cool tile floor.

“Dream,” Dana took several deep breaths; sending her ample cleavage heaving, “You had it too?” she finished as she shook her brown head. It was something else the two had shared since joining their energies before they rescued Lady Blue from the grubby clutches of one Victor von Doom.

The Kunoichi wrapped her soft arm under Ryan’s aching body, and helped him sit up. She placed her warm soft hands on his cheeks and pulled him in for a gentle kiss; Ryan slowly returned it, this one would’ve become fiery if not for their near splitting headaches.

Their wits slowly returned to them as they broke away from their kiss, Ryan lay his head on Dana’s soft shoulder and suddenly smelled something rotten in the shop; Dana smelt it to.

“Ew, what’s that smell?” a grimacing Dana asked.

“I hope I didn’t leave your special batch out all night,” Ryan replied looking back at the slowly spinning counter.

The aching Kunoichi shook her head, “No, it smells like six week old fermented wolf urine.”
“Uh, how would you know about that?”

Dana tried to smile, “Remember last Halloween, I didn’t kiss you, remember? I was with Blue as she made ‘Wolf’s Passion’.”

“Oh,” Ryan replied as he remembered every single woman he kissed or was kissed by transformed into a Werewolf, it wasn’t a pretty sight.

Moments later she gently lay Ryan down onto her soft plush bed, “Better babe?” she warmly asked.

“Mmm, much,” Ryan replied trying to smile as his temples continued to painfully throb.

Dana rubbed his forehead and slowly rose, she zipped herself up and walked into her kitchen. She brought back two water bottles and something for Ryan to take.
Moments later Dana laid her tired head down on his hard masculine chest; Ryan wrapped his arm around her shoulders and the two went back to sleep.

Their beauty sleep lasted a nanosecond as loud obnoxious banging could be heard followed by a muffled, “Dana-kins!” Even though the voice of one Lady Blue was muffled, Ryan and Dana could hear the franticness as she continued, “Dana-kins!”
The aching duo winced with every pounding of the steel door by the desperate ninja. Their collective heads throbbed harder with every nauseating pound on the door by Bluey’s furious fist. A wincing Dana slowly rose up as Ryan placed his steadying hands on her hips; she staggered to the door as Lady Blue continued to pound the pain deeper into Dana and Ryan’s throbbing brains, “Dana-kins!”

The door opened as fast as it could, revealing a blood shot eyed tired Kunoichi, she half growled, “Bluey, what do you want?”

Blue flashed a nervous smile as she gazed upon her handy work, “Uh,” she replied nervously and paused for a few awkward seconds before she finished, “Have you seen Ryan-kun?”

Dana picked up on Blue’s actions immediately, she still may have been under the influence of a mind numbing hangover, but she knew her best friend like the back of her soft hand. Miss Tan narrowed her blood red eyes and growled, “Bluey, what did you do?”

Before Lady Blue could tilt her head, close her violet eyes and flash her trade mark, fake, innocent smile and reply, a large black furry arm hastily grabbed her and pulled the stunned ninja in; Dana’s scowl quickly turned into a smirk as she shut the triple reinforced steel door and locked it.

A muffled, “Ryan-kun! My, what big,” could be heard, followed by an uneasy gulp until it faded away.

***

Elsewhere, a certain Jedi awoke still dressed in the previous night’s attire. Tara took her silky mini skirt off and dropped it as she staggered to her bathroom. She clumsily removed her cheerleading top, revealing a silky white bra. One could see a slight hint of her reddish brown nipples as she stood in front of the mirror.
She rubbed her tired eyes, the sleepy She-Wolf opened them and froze in her tracks as she saw a hooded figure standing next to her reflection in the mirror. The pissed Jedi whisked around to face the Temptress.

The Wolf’s eyes glowed a deathly emerald as she smiled sinisterly. She glanced back down at her hostess incredible body. Tara faced the mirror as a soft hand explored her scintillating image; she put her head back and purred, “Mmm,” as her soft hand rubbed her neck. The Temptress ran Tara’s other hand through her soft silky jet black hair. The smug angel looked back at the mirror and smiled, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you Tara?”

Her glowing green eyes momentarily flickered a fiery red as the image replied, “Yes!”

Viva Los Wolves

I wrote this for another website. I've been RPing with Samantha Jameson for years, her writer and I finally got them together after years of bad timing/mishaps/dumb luck. It got such raving reviews I thought I post it here although it still needs some major work. Pumpkin King makes a guest appearance on the Glenn Beck show...

***

Hello America! You know I’ve been reporting for weeks on the bizarre behavior of Lieutenant Commander Ryan Wolf in 2011. Ladies, keep a box of tissues handy, tonight’s going to be a real tear jerker. I can confirm that it wasn’t a spooky conspiracy by George Soros, I can confirm that Ryan Wolf’s Wonder Woman fetish is over. Pumpkin King is here to confirm this!

“Thank you, Glenn,” PK stated.

“What happened?”

“Oh, I was enjoying a midnight dance with my latest and greatest queen…Mack when my telephone rang…

“You have a phone?” Beck interrupted.

“Of course I do…as I was saying my phone was ringing. I answered it. I was flabbergasted to hear it was that blithering bumbling boob.”

“What did he want?”

PK shrugged his shoulders, “Oh…he wanted me to meet him at The Crimson Heart Chapel at 6969 Elope Drive in Las Vegas.”

“HE GOT MARRIED?!?!”

“Marriage is hardly the word I would choose…Glenn my boy. ‘Twas more like a freak show. Commander Wolf was there in his dress whites. A blushing Samantha Jameson…

“SAMANTHA JAMESON?!?!”

“Yes, the Pulitzer Prize winning reporter from Miami…,” PK raised a skinny skewed finger, “May I say she looked more lovely than Princess Kate. Her dress was splendid…simply splendid! So was so regal. I stood there…awe struck by her beauty until the freak show started.

“How so?”

“I heard a muffled voice behind us say, ‘I see the witness is here.’ I turned around and saw something right out of Barnum and Bailey Circus. This…guy…was stuffing his mouth full of a banana peanut butter sandwich. He was dressed in a sparkling rhinestone studded leisure suit with star framed sunglasses…I was concerned.”

“That would be Elvis, PK. Why worry over Elvis? He’s harmless.”



“Not him…Ryan. You know how those bright dazzling lights can trigger a mind numbing migraine in him. I was worried that the buffoon was going to have his nuptials ruined by a stupid headache that I didn’t cause! Worse, this Elvis chap’s hair looked like it was loaded with axel grease. I took a step back…away from him. I didn’t want to hiccup and accidentally ignite his hair as he walked by singing off key, ‘Love me tender…love me true…’”

“He was singing?”

“Glenn my boy…when are you going to stop repeating everything I say…hmm? Anyhow he stopped signing and jumped into the air. He landed and struck a pose…like he was pointing two guns at Ryan. He curled his lip and asked, “Do you, Ryan take Samantha to be your lawful wedded wife?”

“And?”

“Nothing, Wolf stood there…speechless. I thought he was suffering from cold feet until I saw his sweating brow. I glanced over at Sam…she was worried. We were both thinking Ryan was going to pull the ejection cord and bail out. I leaned over and whispered, ‘This is the part where you say I do.’”

“Did he?”

“Sam was nervously biting her lower lip until her babbling stuttering husband to be uttered, ‘I.I.I.I. d-d-d-d-do’. Amazing he finally overcame his fear of commitment. ‘Elvis’ again jumped into the air and struck the same pose and asked Samantha, ‘Do you, Samantha take Ryan to be your lawful wedded husband?”

“Yes…”

“Would you let me finish! Of course she said ‘Yes’! She was beaming! She snagged her flyboy. Elvis finished it off, ‘By the powers invested in me by space aliens and the State of Nevada…I do pronounce you man and wife…you may kiss the bride.’”

“Whoa.”

“They kissed,” PK continued, “And Elvis whipped out a guitar and started singing off key again…I might add…’Lord almighty…feel my temperature rising!’”

“Well, there you have it America…Ryan Wolf is now officially off the market!”

PK shook his orange gorde head as Glenn finished, “That poor girl...so pretty…so lovely…so voluptuous…she could’ve had any guy she wanted…she could’ve done better…”

“Like?”

“ME!”

The Pumpkin King

He'll get you...you foolish mortal!

AH-HA-HA-HA!
AH-HA-HA-HA!!
AH-HA-HA-HA!!!