Ryan's Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire's Tip 365

It's New Years Eve and your goddess want to release some pent up energy, all work and no play makes her a very dull girl. Your job to make sure she doesn't suffer any embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions, the paparazzi will be waiting like blood lusting sharks. Lastly, if the two of you should take in a firework show, say, um, I dunno, Port Everglades and decide to make fireworks of your own; just make sure you turn off your dashboard camera. *Ahem*

(Keith Garvey Art)

Like...You Want Fries with That?

Something Lady Blue and I are working on. Enjoy.

***

It all started off as an innocent rescue mission. Tony Stark, the cheap playboy behind Iron Man, was banished to deep space by the Black Cat. The sexy feline was stealing an ancient Egyptian mystical artifact when Iron Man intervened. In a blinding flash of dazzling light...Iron Man was gone. Lady Blue and Darth Wolf set out to find Tony, but first a bite to eat. What in the Milky Way could possibly go wrong?

We join our heroines at Milliways, a kicking screaming hysterical Lady Blue is being dragged out by guards as Tara is out ice cold on the floor...

It wasn’t like Tara was a drunk, she was a woman who knew her limits. Four or Five Long Island Ice Teas would be plenty to get that warm fuzzy glassy blood shot eye feeling. Sadly after two our heroine promptly collapsed to the floor in a drunken stupor. Worse, it transpired a few minutes before the intergalactic police drug a struggling Bluey out.

The Vl’Hurg police picked up the inebriated Dark Jedi and drug her in the opposite direction of the kicking and screaming Lady Blue. The greedy corrupt police thugs recognized the petite dynamo the moment her and Blue-sama set foot inside the establishment. There was an intergalactic bench warrant out for her arrest as well as a bounty on her pretty little brunette head. All it took was one little exchange of the local currency and the barkeep spiked Tara’s drink.

The corrupt officers stripped her of EVERYTHING. They strapped a collar around her neck and left a box next to the sleeping Wolf. They tossed a sheet over her and allowed the drunk Sith to sleep it off as they examined her prized light sabre.

One of them activated it; it was a very moronic thing to do. Tara was still sleeping off her drug induced stupor to hear the blood curling agonizing scream of agony. The accursed humming purple weapon rolled into a corner as the Vl’Hurg picked up the cauterized limb as he screamed all the way to the infirmary.

The drugged Wolf slowly came out of her stupor. She shielded her sensitive eyes and glanced around the brightly lit room, even wincing she could see she was in a holding cell. “Bluey? What did you do now?” she moaned. She felt her elbow hit a box and a thump echoed in her cell.

Tara let the sheet slide off of her as she glanced down at the box. That’s when she realized that she was wearing her birthday suit, this was not kosher. The incensed Darth Wolf heard her light sabre humming in the corner. Naked or not, she was going to bust out of this galactic jail, she was an Imperial Commander after all.

The nude Wolf stood up and flicked her wrist open, calling her purple weapon of death. Her crony weapon committed mutiny, it refused to budge. Tara gritted her teeth and growled, “I said come to mommy!”

Inexplicably Tara felt the box nestling against her ankle, the shocked nude brunette glanced down and saw an envelope sitting atop a green outfit. She could see BLUE written in large blue letters. Tara knelt and picked up the envelope.

She sighed, closed her electric blue eyes and shook her head. Tara opened it and read aloud, “Put these clothes on or you will never see your blue haired friend again.” She huffed and crinkled the note. She reluctantly put the ‘outfit’ on. Her hunter green top had barely enough material to cover an American quarter. She then put on her matching skirt, it flowed freely down to her ankles. A single slit ran up her long shapely leg and right up to her well oiled hip.

“Sithspit,” she growled, “PK if you’re behind this I’m going to turn all your pumplings into pumpkin pie next Thanksgiving!”

At that time two Vidiians from the Delta Quadrant walked in. The two disfigured aliens picked up their instruments and scanned Tara. They looked at each other and nodded. “She’ll do quite nicely.”

Tara gnashed her angry teeth together, before she could fire off that she was an imperial officer of the galactic navy she threw her head back and screamed. A dazzling brilliant yellow energy field danced around her. She remembered her Dark Jedi training and attempted to feed off the pain to feed the Force, that’s when she finally felt the collar around her neck.

Her eyes slowly turned green as the yellow energy field ebbed. The roots of her silky hair turned green, slowly the greenness swam up to her ends. Tara sank to her knees, breathing heavily. She panted heavily as she leaned forward onto her hands. She closed her eyes and took several rapid shallow breaths. She opened them and saw the shock of her young life…her hands were turning green...

News from Tampa Bay

I'm reading reports on various Tampa Bay Buccaneer websites stating that 5 year Vet Britney Craine will not be coming back. Ms. Craine is the victim of the Bucs 5 year term limit. Unless the Bucs throw it out she will not be coming back. Meagan Pravden, in case you're wondering, has 3 years of eligibility left.

Pic from Jackson 1245 flickr account

A Miami Christmas

More can be found at here: http://dolfanred.blogspot.com/2011/12/merry-christmas-dolfans.html

Merry Christmas to the US Armed Forces

Happy Christmas Eve's Eve

Santa was so backlogged that he asked Amy to help out!

Ryan's Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire's Tip #355

It's December 21, the longest night of the year in the northern hemisphere. Don't FORGET the mistletoe!

MDCs Visit Fort Carson, Co

The writer behind this page and Lt. Ryan Wolf was stationed at Fort Carson, Colorado during the late '80s. I would like to publicly thank the Miami Dolphins and the Miami Dolphin Cheerleaders for visiting the base and spreading Christmas Cheer during this Christmas season.

I was denied leave, I was 2.5 days short and was denied leave that Christmas. I can attest that lonely homesick feeling you get being thousands of miles from home on Christmas. That phone call home doesn't cut it nor that free Christmas meal at the mess hall. It's a price many armed service personnel pay this time of the year. I'm very happy to see the Dolphin Cheerleaders helping ease some holiday pain in 2011.

Again a big Miami thanks to Kiley, Amy, Candi, and Kylee for doing their part this Christmas. You girls are FINTASTIC!

Merry Christmas from Miami!

Miami's newest Lily wishes you a Merry Christmas!

The Ghost of Christmas Moose Part IV

The dazed not-so-rabid warrior lifted up her heavy head and saw Ryan wearing only a hot pink bathrobe wrapped around his waist. She blushed hard and looked down at the tile, “Oh Ryan-kun!” The blushing Japanese woman looked up and much to her shock saw best friend and fiercest competitor, Dana Tan standing at the other end only wearing Ryan’s US Navy issued PT shirt. The petite ninja was practically swimming in it.

“I’m glad to see you’re secured enough in your manhood to wear pink,” she smirked as she walked over to him. She wrapped her soft arms around him; the New Year’s fireworks started early as they passionately kissed. She placed her hands on his cheek and pulled away just long enough to purr, “Merry Christmas, babe.”

Lady Blue’s mouth ever so slowly fell to the floor as she witnessed the spectacle. This is what she had hoped, planned, schemed, conspired for; even this was too shocking for her to see. She thought the whole world was going to end in some sort of cosmic calamity as Dana deftly removed his towel.

The embarrassed Blue turned around only to hear the sound of Dana agonizing in pain. She quickly turned her head around and saw Ch’p, the cutest Green Lantern Squirrel in the Milky Way; Croc; Captain America; Lady White; and a host of other Club Seduction regulars standing in a waiting room. Killer Croc was busy passing out the cigars as Dana continued to scream out.

Poor Ch’p was confused, the Green Lantern Squirrel gazed upon the long stogey and queried, “What’s this for?”

“Its tradition!” a boisterous Croc proclaimed.

“But Dana’s having a girl,” Ch’p replied as he tilted his head at the long dried out tobacco leaf.

“Fine!” Croc snapped as he ripped the cigars from people’s hands, “I’ll smoke ‘em all myself!”

Dana was screaming bloody tan murder in the delivery room; the brave blue haired kunoichi timidly peered inside as the screams turned into shrieks of pain.

“You did this to me!” Dana thundered as she dug her nails into Ryan’s hands, “You just couldn’t keep it in your pants.” She stopped and gnashed her teeth together, nearly biting her tongue in two as another intense round of pain struck.

“Like it’s my fault that you oil wrestled your evil twin while wearing that skimpy hot pink thong of yours,” he calmly replied. Lady Blue had tricked Dana into entering the Transmorigifier she borrowed from Calvin and Hobbs in hopes of boosting the profit margin for Club Seduction. Bluey split Dana into two separate nearly identical beings; one being good, the other evil, very reminiscent of a Star Trek re-run, the Good Dana prevailed.

The evil Dana ran away and swore revenge; she was about to annihilate Atlanta with a Hydrogen bomb when Ch’p, the cutest dreamiest Green Lantern squirrel in the Milky Way and Tara le Fay, a Dark Jedi from the Star Wars Universe, saved the day. The duo combined their powers and merged the two kunoichis back together.

Another excruciating wave of pain shot through the sweating Dana; she grabbed Ryan by his shirt and pulled him down to her snarling face. Dana gnashed her teeth together and growled, “Babe, you said you couldn’t get me PREGNANT!"

Again Ryan coolly addressed his delusional wife, “White-sama said that Bluey accidentally gave me the antidote…”

Lady Blue puckered her lips, “Oops,” and blushed very hard; she looked about her and quietly stepped outside.

“ANTI-DO-!” the growling She-Wolf yelped in pain and gave birth to her first born pup. She took a couple of deep calming breaths and gently placed her tired hand on Ryan’s cheek. “I’m going to kill Bluey,” she calmly stated.

Lady Blue walked into an empty Blue’s Tavern, except for Ryan and Dana at the counter. The confused sandalwood blue haired angel gazed back at the door and then her two best friends; it was as if she had never left. She saw Ryan beginning to kneel...KNEEL! Ryan was going to propose to Dana right then and there. The kunoichi could barely contain herself, like, what else is new?

The ninja was so overcome with joy that she began to shake and shiver as she placed her ball fists up to her chin. It was finally going to pay off; all those long nights planning and scheming as well as running up Dana’s credit cards were finally going to show fruition!

A bouncing Blue rushed up to the counter; she bounced and bounced as she squealed like a young Japanese girl, “Dana and Ryan’s getting married! Ryan-kun and Dana-kins are going to get married and have a little girl! I’m going to be Auntie Bluey!” Ryan and Dana sat there in stunned silence as Blue continued to bounce around. The still bouncing kunoichi grabbed Dana’s hand and excitedly asked, “May I be the Girl of Honor? Huh? Huh? May I?

“Bluey,” Dana replied giving her a strange look.

“Oh, I can’t wait,” the happily bouncing blue haired buxom ninja smiled as she continued to jump and clap her hands.

“Blue-chan! We’re not getting married.” Ryan’s voice was drowned out by Blue’s happy clapping. He looked over at Dana and shook his head.

Dana put her hand on Blue’s wrist, “We’re not getting married…”

Again Blue was too busy dancing and clapping to hear Dana; seconds later Dana and Ryan joined forces, “Bluey!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile, outside in the blizzard that crazy jerky Bull Moose peered inside the window as the snow fell harder. He snickered as he turned around to face you; with a friendly blink he was off and running back into the snowy Haunted Woods.

The End.

A Very Gotham Christmas

 

 

I first would like to thank Lady Blue, Space Chick, and Tara for their help in this.  

 

*** 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through Gotham not a person was celebrating, for Santa Claus, the jolly old elf, was not coming! Visions of sugar plum had been replaced with sugar gloom; Lady Blue had sealed Gotham’s Yule Tide doom. 

Twas an accident, a very understandable accident; Lady Blue zapped the North Pole’s power grid. She killed the power dude in the process, she did. Santa had no electricity and no toys, Santa became a killjoy. Gotham would get no toys. 

The whole incident was totally insane. The legendary Lady Blue killed that man with a triple red stripped candy cane right out in the middle of the gum drop plain. Right next to the plane on 1224 Mistletoe Lane. 

The mortified legendary ninja was Santa’s Number One fan! She was trying to stop pirates from ruining Christmas, she didn’t mean to kill that electric man. Now the buxom blue haired ninja babe was in a holiday jam! 

Santa was mad, Gotham as sad, the Pumpkin King was glad! Finally that blithering incompetent pumpkin murder would have coal stuffed down his stocking! All because of his air headed blue haired ninja he had that fling. It was good to be the king! 

Poor Lieutenant Commander Ryan for he wasn’t lyin’. He had the lovely Jaime, fan favorite Lilly, and little Kelly’s autograph. He would not be getting favorite of all time, the autograph of the voluptuous fiery Amy. 

Lady White was such a pretty sight as she was bathed in the red and green light. She thought that Santa would surely forgive her sensei’s Yule Tide blight and take his Christmas flight. He had too, Gotham was full of fear, it needed some Christmas cheer on this night! 

Dana Tan was as another kunoichi of legendary fame. She was cursing Lady Blue’s name. She knew her best friend and fiercest competitor was to blame. Christmas was more than a silly pirate vs. ninja game, killing a power man, how lame! 

 Ch'p, the extraterrestrial Green Lantern squirrel, to the ladies of Gotham he was the dreamiest of all. He picked up a phone and made a call, for he was on the ball. All he wanted was to spread Christmas cheer for all! 

The poor squirrel became deeply depress, when Lady Blue did confess, that she was the cause of this whole holiday mess! An idea, Ch'p would attest, sprung from Lady Blue's ADHD infected head of bless, would her Sith friend be up to the test? 

Her name was Tara le Fay and was in dismay. She vowed come what may that Santa would come to rue this day. She would find a way for Santa to sway, Gotham should not have to pay on this joyous holiday. 

Darth Wolf's lovely exterior hid the devious heart over saturated with sin. It was time for her to show a little skin. She wore a skimpy Christmas red negligee with fluffy Christmas white trim. She sat upon a festive gift wrapped box, looking so naughty and prim. 

Onto her chair, the Dark Jedi did hop. She quickly fired up her laptop and saved Christmas with one single scandalous photoshop. Her nimble fingers made a holiday cyber mess that not even Santa could mop. 

Oh the perfidy thought Mr. C. It was plain to see that this was a professional forgery. Still, he didn't want Mrs. C. to see. Her heart would not be filled with Christmas glee and he would be forced to flee right up a Christmas tree! 

A Long Island Tea Tara did crave, all this hard work making Santa cave like a knave. Joyful Boys and girl cheered and waved on the streets with snowy white pave. A very Gotham Christmas she did save.

Oh...My...Gawd

I take a temporary break from Christmas to post this stunning pic from Miami's 34-14 spanking of the Raiders.

Merry Christmas from Miami!

We take a break from the Ghost of Christmoose today and focus on one of my fav all time MDC...Lilly Robbins!

And The Wheels Came Off

The afternoon started off great, Fox showed my fav MDC Amy dancing in her little Santa suit just before kickoff of the Eagles vs Dolphins game. Moments later Miami scored a touchdown and the cameras zoomed in on Amy as she danced and shook her little aqua and orange pom poms. Life was good.

I had visitors to my super secret heroine support base so I turned the TV off with Miami attempting to go up 10-0. However, after my party left I turned it back on only utter a thunderous, "What the Foxtrot?!!??"

The score was 24-7, Philly, with seconds to go until halftime. Sigh. That's all I'll say here. I'll blog my true stuff for my Miami Dolphin blog.

The Ghost of Christmas Moose Part III

Blue tackled the monstrous antlered jolly beast; the two rolled in the bitter cold snow before Blue realized she was in the ball pit of Captain Pepperoni Pizza Emporium. The very same place Tara wanted the buxom kunoichi to help chaperone a birthday party. She saw Darth Wolf’s young pups having a ball; a drop of anime sweat beaded from her head. The valiant nervous ninja scanned for someone to get her out of this jam; she spotted Ryan and Dana sharing a brief kiss as they kept their watchful, well, that’s debatable, eyes on the children.

Dana looked down at Ryan’s lap and smirked; she looked up and said, “Really babe.”

Her Wolf was perplexed, “What?”

“You couldn’t wait to get me home,” she continued to smirk as he gazed seductively into his eyes.

“Get home and?” the puzzled pilot replied as leaned his head towards her.

The sexy imp picked up a napkin, “You creamed in your pants Ryan; you couldn’t wait to get me home, could you?” She smirked as her frisky hand wiped the pudding off his lap. The pilot closed his eyes and took a deep breath as her hand did something else; he leaned in and the two shared a passionate kiss.

Seeing them kiss again isn’t what got Bluey out of that ball pit; the fair kunoichi saw a slice of pepperoni pizza in front of Ryan. Ryan-kun couldn’t have pepperoni pizza; it gave him acid reflux as well as triggering other ghastly bodily functions, not to mention head pounding nauseating migraines! Bluey stormed out of that pit with her arms wildly flinging by her sides; the enraged ninja was going to give him and her a piece of her ADHD mind…he should know better and she should know better for letting him!

Dana rained on Blue’s parade as she picked up the slice of pizza and took a bite. Mt. Saint Bluey stopped and took a deep sigh of relief; then she smiled as she saw that Dana had wrapped her soft arm around Ryan’s neck. Could it be? Could it be true? Ryan and Dana were finally going to hook up?!?!?

The two love birds shared another kiss; Blue balled her fists and placed them on her thick curvy hips, “Hey you two...don’t make a spectacle out of yourselves, there’s people watching…namely me!”

Ryan broke away and took a sip of water; Dana snuggled into his hard chiseled chest as she watched the children play. Wolf put his glass down and kissed Miss Murder’s silky hair. Lady Blue was incensed that her two best friends were ignoring her; she cleared her throat and waved her hand, “Yoo-hoo, Ryan-kun…Dana-kins,” Bluey paused as she continued to wave her hand, “I’m over here…”

Ryan and Dana didn’t even blink; black toxic smoke billowed from her ears as she gnashed her teeth. She shouted a few choice words in Japanese, which weren’t nice, and hurled herself at her former best friends. Blue flew right threw them and landed hard on a bathroom tiled floor.

Santa's Sleigh

The Ghost of Christmas Moose Part II

Part 1 can be found here: http://thewolfswoof.blogspot.com/2008/12/this-is-my-christmas-story-for-2008.html

Yes, 2008 was three years, better late than never? This would also be a good time to cue Sarajevo 24/7 by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

***

Lady Blue wildly swung her balled fist into the air as she continued to follow the crazy jerky moose. The angry kunoichi snarled, “I killed you before, I’ll kill you again!” as she raced into an opening. The skillful ninja lost track of the moose as the snow fell harder; Blue looked around and saw a snowman standing in the middle of nowhere.

She blinked her violet eyes as she saw the snowman smile at her; she shook her pretty little blue head that was quickly piling up with white puffs of gentle snow. He continued to smile as his stick arm motioned for her to come over.

Behind the snowman a stood an old fashion drive thru movie wall; it turned to black as Blue neared. An HD movie with state-of-the-art surround sound began to play; Blue saw a tiny sleigh with nine reindeer flying through the dark skies, a US Navy fighter was escorting the sleigh as The Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Sarajevo 24/7 began to ominously play.

Suddenly she heard Ryan’s desperate voice over a menacing tone, “Santa! Can you get Rudolph to turn off his nose?”

“Sorry lad, he can’t,” Santa replied just before Ryan’s HUD turned a deep crimson red.

“Missile warning, Missile warning,” a soft voice repeated over in his helmet as the words blinked on his HUD.

“Incoming!” Ryan thundered and pulled his F/A-37 Talon into a sharp turn away from Santa; his nimble fighter belched flares and a chaff cloud as it raced away from Saint Nick. The QSAM (Quick-maneuvering Surface-to-Air Missile) locked onto the US Navy fighter and streaked away from the Jolly Ol’ Elf and his reindeer.

“Doom must really be peeved at me,” Ryan thought as he experienced chest crushing G-forces. Wolf huffed and grunted as the deadly missile neared; his bird shrieked as she continued to turn tighter than her engineers designed her to. Cold air vortexes formed on her wings as she continued her conga dance with Doom’s bucket of coal.

The Talon came around in front of Santa and the boys; a pleasant ringing tone was intermingled with the “Missile Warning,” that echoed in his helmet. It was so intermingled that Ryan didn’t hear it at first, but when he heard it, it was sweet: His bird had locked onto the Latverian defense site.

A sleeping AGM-88 Harm missile dropped from his weapon’s carousel; it awoke and blazed a fiery smoky path down to the earth. It gave the Latverian defense installation the kiss of death, the installation disappeared into a fiery fireball that could be seen for hundreds of miles in the cold air.

“ALL CLEAR SANTA!” the jubilant US lieutenant shouted.

“Thank you Ryan,” a relieved Santa smiled, “By the way, you’ve never told me what you wanted for Christmas.”

“For Dana Tan to give me the time of day,” Ryan promptly replied.

Blue’s little heart broke as she watched; her best friend, Dana Tan, was notoriously bad on teasing her Ryan-kun. A little tear formed at the edge of her sad violet eye and slowly ran down her soft face. The tear turned into ice as it dropped from Blue’s angelic face.

“Ryan, that’s not up to me; it’s up to Dana,” Santa countered as the classified US air superiority fighter banked away.

Lady Blue sighed and was whacked with the head of the now decapitated snowman; the laughing moose put his massive back legs down and bounded away into the blinding snow storm. She envisioned bloody moose entrails littering the snow white landscape as she wiped the snowman’s head from her violet eyes; her anger melted the snow that lay on her silky sandalwood scented blue hair. Visions of moose jerky danced in her mind’s eye as fiery red stacks of smoke poured from her angry ears. She pulled out her trusty katana, again, from goodness knows where; she thundered her battle cry and lunged for the snickering Bull Moose.

Miami's Still Miami

People still won't pull over in another lane and let you in despite the fact that the Palmetto is desolate at 8:30 Sunday Morning. The lights on 167 Street are still not synchronized in North Miami Beach, the light on North Miami Ave turns green, scant seconds later the one on NE 2 Ave turns red. Typical Miami. It was a good thing it was early in the morning on Sunday or I might've been rear ended when I tried to pull into the Krispy Kreme parking lot, a stupid Lexus was blocking the entrance. He must've been texting, he looked up and said, "Oh!" He turned the steering wheel tight and still nearly took up the entrance and exit lanes. Yes, typical Miami driver.

I got my donuts and I drove back to my secret base in East Central Florida. I asked my sister to get some autographs on the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders. I stated that they would make a great Christmas present. She said, "No."

Pooh. I think Santa Claus must've told her I made the Naughty List.

Mr C!

Santa Claus is making his list and checking it twice and I'm officially on the Naughty List. I have no idea how that happen. Me firing a live AIM-X-250 at Wonder Woman was a big misunderstanding back in January, it was a SHIELD exercise. Plus I received a promotion for that, thank you Black Widow!

I helped rid the world of Khadaphi. I led the Camel Express, bombing his fragile infrastructure. I helped rid the world of a tyrannical despot and I still made the Naughty List?

I rescued several heroines from harrowing situations and was handsomely rewarded for it too. Ultra Woman and I teamed up to stop the Villainess and her sexy evil hench-babe. Not once did I reveal the classified location of the Heroine HQ nor did I take advantage of Tania.

Sigh. I have 24 days to atone for my supposed naughtyness. Maybe I should ask Amy to put in the good word for me. Santa has a thing for her as well as the rest of the Miami Dolphin Cheerleaders...who can blame him?