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This past October was weird. I know it’s supposed to be weird with ghoulish ghastly spooky spectacles of ravens, fish crows, little pumpkins and the Pumpkin King marching outside my donut shop protesting my pumpkin donuts, muffins, bread and cupcakes. He would be shaking his angry fist with rage as he would yell, “Blasphemy…simply blasphemy!” but none of that had happened.
I usually spent my October’s getting ready for Dana Tan’s birthday. We celebrated it all month long at Club Sedux. I would be busy making all those tasty mouthwatering apple cider donuts, they were her favorite. I was also busy busting my butt making sure Lady Blue didn’t blow up Club Sedux when a clueless patron walked in dressed like a pirate; my brother made that mistake one year…it wasn’t pretty.
I was stocking my humble donut shop with a fresh batch of scrumptious pumpkin donuts, apple cider donuts, and other seasonal favorites when the door opened. I turned around and my jaw nearly hit the floor, it was the Pumpkin King, my arch enemy. He hung his large orange head like Tom Brady does after throwing a game losing interception, PK was sulking for those of you reading in Port St. Lucie.
I want to forewarn you again that I’m going to use the word ‘weird’. The situation was weird, I was befuddled. My donut shop was the self-confessed Little Shop of Horrors by the dejected king of the pumpkins. I was Public Enemy #1 to all Pumpkindom. I blinked as I tried to decipher if this was a nefarious pumpkin trick on Halloween or was this walking pumpkin indeed suffering a bout of depression.
My mind flashback a couple of spooky Halloweens back as I walked from behind the counter; PK conned Club Sedux into thinking he was taking the Great Pumpkin’s place for the night. He passed around all sorts of chocolates to the patrons, they cheered and greedily took the candy. I scoffed as he offered me a ‘peace offering’. He gave me a king sized dark chocolate Snickers.
Hellcat, my curvy feline live in home defense system, licked her ravenous lips as she gazed upon the sinful bar. She asked me if I was going to eat it. I replied, “No, it was a peace offering as ‘Rest in Peace’”. She giggled and said that he was a friendly looking pumpkin wumpkin. She started shadowing my every move, placing her soft chin atop of my shoulder, lustfully looking at the candy bar.
I caved in and reluctantly gave her the bar since she stated that she needed a sugar rush. I cringed at the thought of what she would do on a sugar high, but it was better than have her drooling all over me or invading the walk-in refrigerator, the health department would not like that at all. I went back behind the bar to take care of a few things. I heard lots of obnoxious burping and hiccupping transpiring. I shot out of the back room to see the crowd belching, disappearing in a puff of smoke, only to reappear as werewolves. Weird would be a word I would hardly use at a time like this, this was downright…eerie.
PK’s latest plan on killing me had backfired yet again. His faithful lieutenant, Fishy, a fish crow had knowingly kicked in the Wolf’s Passion that turned all the customers into werewolves except for Ch’p and I; Hellcat was turned into the Strawberry Werecat. PK was cowering in the corner, biting his scrawny fingers stating he had hired a Black Lantern to kill me after I turned into a werewolf. The deadly Black Lantern was on the way.
Ch’p and I flashed an all knowing look; it was time to prepare for battle once again. I pulled out my USN issued 9MM, might as well been a peashooter for what we were about to face. The door suddenly burst open. I calmly aimed my weapon; Ch’p crinkled his cute little nose and aimed his green power ring at the door. A cool refreshing wind blew in as colorful fall leaves danced in its pleasant wake. We saw a pair of boots, long legs with creamy skin, spider webbed panty hose, and a bikini clad fiery redhead; we breathed a collective sigh of relief, it was Tarot the Black Rose Witch.
PK barreled between us and groveled at her feet. It was a truly pathetic sight to see. He was kissing her boots as she scowled at him. The fiery buxom witch severely scolded him. He started to protest until she stated that he had over stepped his authority. She put her hands on his rotund orange cheeks; one powerful breath in his nose she extinguished his flame. His body shriveled up, leaving only his empty gourd head.
He tried to turn me into a werewolf and then have a Black Lantern collect on the bounty; I guess the irony was lost on him as he continued to sigh away at the table that I stood in front of. “PK?” I asked three or four times before he acknowledged I was there.
I put my hands out, “Shouldn’t you be out scaring those meddling kids and their dog, or haunting Club Sedux, causing mischief and mayhem tonight, spooking the childroon, sharing a midnight dance with Vampirella? Why are you in my so-called Little Shop of Pumpkin Horrors?”
He heavily sighed, “Where to begin…my boy. Where to begin…” He took another heavy sigh. “After that bumbling incompetent airheaded protégé of Lady Blue plowed over my sacred pumpkin patch and put a paved parking lot over it I learned that you weren’t using my pumplings to make those abominable cakes, cookies, pies, breads, and donuts. No…those were from those pumpkin dropouts Trick and Treat.” PK paused for a moment and went on a tangent, “I can’t believe those two actually made that cameo on Rowan’s comic book cover…those bums.”
I sat down across for him as he sighed yet again. “Supergirl.”
“Kara?”
“Yes..Kara. I blew it with her.”
I blinked. How did he do it? Supergirl loved him dearly, she couldn’t keep her soft hands off of him! “How?” I asked nearly stupefied.
“She was coming over to share a dance with me and I wanted to impress her. I found the spell I had misplaced. I was so happy…simply happy. I chanted it and turned into a hunkish beefcake with bigger arms than Hulk Hogan and Ed Hochuli combined, complete with a modern tattoo design wrapping around my massive pythons,” he confessed.
“She wasn’t impressed, was she?”
“Hardly…my boy, she asked where Pumpkin King was.” PK started to squirm in his chair. “I…I…told her that he was out and about getting ready for Halloween, but that I was there.” I tried to impress her with my new magical physique. I flexed my manly pectorals, struck poses, and used the lines that I heard you and Tony the Tinman use.” He sighed, “She called me a loser and flew off.” I was devastated.
Inside I smiled like I had just eaten the last pumpkin donut of the season. I shouldn’t have been enjoying this, but this pain in the patookas had it coming to him, but a balling walking pumpkin isn’t good for business. The poor gourd has his face buried in his arms. Such a pathetic sight on what should’ve been a pumpalicious night for him.
“PK, first of all you got to be yourself. Be yourself, that’s what Kara liked about you in the first place. She couldn’t keep her hands off your plump orange cheeks, now could she?”
The crying monarch of the pumpkins picked his large fat head up. Steam was rising from the corner of his fiery triangular eyes. He sniffed and replied, “Yes…she couldn’t keep those superlicious hands of hers off of me.”
“Well, see, there you go!” I smiled. I continued with my free advice, “She sees enough muscle bound freaks. The hotheaded Hawk, the conceited egotistical Bat, her overprotective Boy Scout cousin, and villains that want to do her in. She needs a break from all that boiling raging testosterone. Plus, those cheap lines of mine aren’t going to work on her. I only use certain lines with certain girls or the ones I know I can get away with it. Trust me, I’ve been shot down more times than Snoopy on Halloween.” I put my index finger up to my lips, “Shh, super duper top secret classified guy secret.”
PK shook his cartoonish head as a breathtaking blonde landed outside the shop, needless to say it was Supergirl. She wore the dark version of her uniform that showed off her incredible flat stomach and long powerful tone legs; black long sleeve blouse with a gold shield and gold trim, a black mini skirt with gold trim that ran down to her strong mid thighs and matching cape. I stood up and pointed at him, “Be yourself.”
The rooty tooty fresh-n-fruity wannabe monarch flashed me a confused look and then glanced behind him. He quickly shot his head around with a pumpkin in the headlights look. He looked back and followed Supergirl as she took her seat in front of him. He cleared his throat and lowly said, “I’m assuming your super ears heard everything.” She placed her soft hand atop his viny one as she shook her pretty blonde head, “PK, you don’t have to impress me. You’ve already impressed me with your dancing. I can’t believe how light on your feet you are for being a seven foot pumpkin.”
He smiled a smile of relief, he took a deep breath of courage. “Would you like to have a special private tango at my pumpkin patch? I’ll show you around and introduce you to the raven sentries and fish crows!”
“That would be pumpfabulous PK!” she giggled.
PK shot up and thrusted his viny arm into the air, “Pumptastic!” He offered his ‘arm’, Supergirl accepted and wrapped hers into his and the two of them were off for his pumpkin patch as I wondered just where PK came up with these words of his. The regal pumpkin glanced over his shoulder as they walked out the door. “Caio…my boy!” I shrugged my shoulders and went back to work; on a side note, didja notice how I haven’t used weird in two pages? Splendid, er, beautiful.
Anyhoo, A few minutes later I heard the door chime, that means a famished customer came in for those of you reading in Port St. Lucie, I turned around and my head nearly exploded. It was her: Amazing Woman. Miami’s fiery avenger, decked out in her tight aqua costume with a white star and orange trim over her 100% feminine chest. My heart accelerated to Mach 5, my head was spinning, my mouth went dry, all of this although I fully knew well she already had a capable sidekick in Miami. “Hi, what can I do for you?” I asked wondering what she was doing up in chilly Gotham.
“I’m looking for a Miami born fighter pilot, one that’s known as a superheroine sidekick extraordinaire. Can you help me?” she warmly smiled.
The advice I gave PK echoed in my head, “Be Yourself.” I was tempted to snap to attention and snapped a rigid salute. “Lieutenant Ryan Wolf, United States Naval Air Force at your service!” but I settled for the handshake and a, “Lieutenant Ryan Wolf, Miami’s native son. It’s an honor to meet to finally meet you, May I interest you in a complementary dozen pumpkin donuts to share with Task Force Miami?”
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