Santa Under Attack!

If you are easily offended by politics do use both a favor and stop reading. Thank you. This is a political satire take on Christmas in 2009. My character Flynn Beck, Glenn Beck spoof, takes on the evil forces political forces threatening Christmas

Hello America, tonight I come to you with a story of Political Correctness run amok; one that no doubt comes deep within the black hearts of Jacob Marley and the Grinch. A story I can hardly believe myself, Santa Claus is under attack on all fronts. That’s right, Santa Claus is under attack. He’s being labeled a sexist racist bigot by union thugs, the government of Australia says he sets a bad example for our kids, he’s a drunk according to MADD, former Vice President Al Gore and PETA released a joint statement condemning Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick for polluting the planet, melting the North Pole ice sheet which results in killing polar bears and penguins; the insanity goes on and on. I don’t know even where to start with this asininity, but I’ll try!

Van Jones, leader of SEIU, as well as a long time friend of President Nobama released a statement stating that SEIU was going to file a suit in federal court against Santa on behalf of Union 999 in North Pole, Alaska. (A.D.D. Moment: North Pole, Alaska, what a coincidence!) The union, which consists entirely of gnomes, state that Santa Claus is a racist for he only hires elves.

The suit also accuses Santa of being a sexist; Father Christmas is alleged only to hire mostly male elves and those elves slave away in his toy factory. Santa does hire a few female elves. The attractive female elves do not work in the factory, according to the suit. They are dressed in skimpy deep cut miniskirt versions of Santa’s red suit; the hot babes serve the hot cocoa and sugar cookies to the hard working male elves at break time. (A.D.D. Moment: Maybe this explains why Lieutenant Ryan Wolf always volunteers to help escort Santa every year?) However, it is alleged that the unattractive female elves are dressed in traditional female elf attire and perform secretarial work, thus lowering the self esteem of unattractive females.

Former Vice President Al Gore stated that Union 999 would be very helpful to Santa. Gnomes live in the forest, they love nature; they would help Santa develop new green technology that would stop Santa’s toy factory from belching harmful pollution into the arctic atmosphere, thus increasing global warming and melting the arctic ice sheet.

Gore continued as he stated this would be the last year of Christmas as we know it. Due to Santa’s pollution, the arctic ice sheet will entirely melt this year! Polar Bears and penguins would be extinct in 2010 because of the melted ice sheets as well as killing seals, walruses, whales and other arctic marine life due to his sinful factory sinking into the depths of the Arctic Ocean. (A.D.D. Moment: All this coming from the man who invented the internet?) PETA added Santa would be guilty of murder.

Gore finished as he claimed he would fight Santa’s relocation to the South Pole. The Former Vice President and PETA would fight tooth and nail to stop the new factory from going up. They vowed Santa would be drowned in permits until new greener technologies could be implanted to stop Mr. C. from killing the innocent polar bears and caribou of Antarctica. (A.D.D. Moment: Al Gore won a Nobel Prize? How?) MADD joined the madness by adding that Santa is teaching our kids it’s okay to drive drunk; they stated that Santa has a nip here and there, a cold one here, followed by some spiked eggnog and Good Ol’ Jolly St. Nick is sloshed! He’s flying his sled drunker than Ted Kennedy driving over a bridge in Massachusetts in the middle of the night!

Lastly the government of Australia released a statement that Santa is a bad role model for our children. Why? His reindeer pollute the environment on his yearly flight of spreading Christmas cheer to all the good little boys and girls; they poop and urinate on houses as well as during the middle of flight. Plus Santa is too fat! That’s right, the jovial man is too fat; he’s teaching our kids that it’s okay to be fat. He makes fat look cool and fun! He eats nothing but donuts and cookies as well as drink eggnog all Christmas Eve. Australia stated that he should eat on celery stick and drink water throughout the night. (A.D.D. Moment: Donuts are much tastier than celery sticks. M&Ms on donuts make the perfect Christmas snack, but that’s just me.) If you think that the former penal colony was finished ripping Santa, it’s not! Santa must lose weight, but delivery the goodies in a different way. Santa needs to through the bag on his back and run; by a bicycle and peddle all over the world, which in turns leads up back to Global Warming! Reindeer flatulence!

And you really want health care from the government…really?

America, I bid you goodnight, enjoy this blessed holiday season with your family I’m going to have some eggnog and some delicious M&M donuts. Goodnight America, and God Bless.