HELLCAT WUZ HERE! (Edited)

“NOW!”

My heart was in my throat as that singular terrifying word uttered by Natasha Romanova, Black Widow for those of you reading in Palm Beach Florida, rang in my helmet. My F/A-37 Talon had locked onto Wonder Woman. I reluctantly obeyed and pulled the trigger. “Bird Away!” My anguished wail cried over the radio.

Tony Stark’s latest toy of death dropped from my bird’s weapon carousel, the AIM-X-250 Gungnir. The deadly missile was no ordinary missile. It was hypersonic missile the size of a car. It was specially designed to deal with Enhanced Human, Metahuman, Superhuman or Mutant threats; like Wonder Woman.

The missile hastily left me in its wake as it screamed to MACH 8. I watched in horror as the Gungnir hurled towards the Amazon. If it hit her, Wonder Woman would be impacted by a force of sixteen times the speed of MACH 2. “Come on, Diana. Come on, Diana,” I lowly muttered as I continued to follow the deadly black missile.

Wonder Woman dove for the protection of the mighty Pacific Ocean. The faster-than-a-speeding-bullet missile sniffed her out and dove with her. She slowed down as she neared the surface of the tranquil cold waters. The missile shrieked as it neared the hovering smirking Amazon Princess.

Wonder Woman flew back into the air. The Gungnir was flying too fast to match the Amazon’s crafty maneuver. It slammed harmlessly into the Pacific Ocean, spewing cold water hundreds and hundreds of feet into the air.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I watched mammoth geyser gusher into the air. I released the death grip on my flight stick and released another relaxing exhale, “SHIELD Control this is Lieutenant Wolf, returning to Gotham NAS. Over.”

I engaged the throttle to maximum super cruise. My nimble fighter effortlessly accelerated to MACH 3.5. A cranium shattering sonic boom sounded above where Black Widow and Wonder Woman were about to square off. My bird’s sensitive eyes picked up the fiery redheaded Russian. I clicked a button and glanced down, “Watch that sexy six of yours, moya dorogaya.”

“Do vstrechi, Lieutenant Wolf,” the sexy, yet deadly venomous spider purred.

Eight hours, two extremely red eyes, and one refueling stop later I was on final approach to Gotham NAS. Even though I positively hated Gotham, it was a welcome sight to my tired burning eyes. I was having visions of sleeping the next two days away in my warm bed when I suddenly realized something very important, “Holy kitty litter…Hellcat!”

Tony Stark (Remember him from before?) had approached me on Hellcat a few months back. I was almost thoroughly embarrassed to admit, being the Superheroine Sidekick Extraordinaire that I am, of never hearing of Hellcat before. I took her off of Tony’s hands, she wasn’t very happy until I gave her a donut. Next thing I knew she was purring away and resting her pretty little redhead on my shoulders as she looked at me all dreamy eyed.

I skipped the post flight shower and walked as fast as my stiff legs would take me. I now had visions of walking into my humble abode seeing every bit of furniture I’ve previously, currently, or will ever own marked up with, “HELLCAT WUZ HERE,” in big black permanent ink.

My tired mind stumbled on what to do as I my weary body stumbled into my blue Crossfire. The burger joint popped into my mind, it was just outside the main gate. I could be home in less than ten minutes. I suddenly found a burst of energy and fired up the car.

I could have never been more wrong. I hit every light known to mankind. I had to wait for them to make fry the French Fries; plus the milkshake machine was acting up. I got home nearly 30 minutes after I left the locker room. I sighed as I gazed upon my humble abode. I now had visions of clawed curtains, toilet paper shreds littering the floor, and cans of empty tuna fish tossed everywhere.

My trepidation grew exponentially with every anxious step. My teeth started chattering and my knees started knocking as I stopped at my front door and fidgeted for the keys. My hands were shaking as I brought the keys out of my pocket. I raised my blood shot red eyes to heaven, closed them, and said a prayer as I opened the door.

I put my head down and opened my burning eyes expecting to see a plague of Biblical proportions had been inflicted on my home. Instead to my pleasant surprise it looked like the eye of a hurricane, everything was in order. Bolden by this tidbit of great news, I gingerly took a step inside.

Hellcat was curled up in a ball, sleeping peacefully on the couch. I closed the door as quietly as I could but the feisty scarlet feline awoke. She slowly picked her head up and blinked. An eighth of a second later her olfactories picked up the luscious scrumptious aroma of those juicy hamburgers and French Fries. A quarter of a second after that I landed hard on the carpet.

Now the kids down at the burger joint know why I asked for the order to be quadrupled wrapped. “Lieutenant!” the excited heroine exclaimed as she lavished me with a bear hug. She nuzzled her fiery silky red hair against my aching head. Hellcat purred, “Thank you for bringing me dinner!”

“You’re quite welcome, Hellcat,” I replied vainly trying to regain control of my motor functions.

A split second later Patsy helped me to my feet, “I’m sorry Lieutenant. I smelled those delicious hamburgers and I lost all control. Tony Stark never brought me dinner.”

“Huh?” I replied. Tony and I year in and year out duke it out for Ladies Man of the Year and this is how he treats Hellcat?

“Yeah, he owes me a ton of dinners. Once he brought me a big bag from a fancy BBQ place the night before. He said Pepper Potts didn’t like BBQ so he gave me the leftovers.”

I blinked my eyes at the revelation. I opened my eyes to see that Hellcat had eaten half her burger in one bite! I marveled how a woman of Patsy’s frame could down a burger in no time. I blinked again as I shook my head. I opened my disbelieving eyes once more and the burger was gone, well, save the two large bulges in Hellcat’s cheeks.

She sweetly smiled as she chewed away and then dug back into the bag, pulling out those super size fries I ordered. She chomped down on a piping hot one and pulled another one out of the bag. She smiled and set the tasty morsel teasingly close to my lips. “Have one!”

“Thank you!” I smiled and took the fry from her greasy hands. Hellcat went back to digging through the bag as I took a sip of my milkshake. I put it down and confessed, “Whew. I thought when I got back home that I was going to see ‘HELLCAT WUZ HERE!” on every piece of furniture.

Patsy had her head buried in the bag by now; she pulled it out and smiled wildly. “Oh no, lieutenant, I could never do that to you. I’d write it all over your chest!” Ah, that’s what I love about Hellcat; she’s such a kidding happy go lucky feisty kitty.

Suddenly I yawned; the flight back had finally defeated my adrenaline rush. I put my hand over my mouth trying to suppress another yawn. It didn’t work. Hellcat placed a warm hand on my shoulder. “Lieutenant, finish your meal. I’ll get the water ready!”

She bobbed her happy head back and forth as she walked away. Hellcat hummed a happy tune as she walked into my bathroom. I heard the water turn on, I unzipped my flight suit and took another sip of my vanilla milkshake. I took my boots off and stood up.

My phone rang. I grimaced; when it rings it means official business. I flipped it open without looking, “Lieutenant Wolf speaking.”

“Negative Lieutenant Commander,” a loud gruffly voice snarled.

Hellcat walked back out wearing that skimpy blue bikini that I put on Tony Stark’s credit card. The beaming Cat stopped and smiled, “Who was it lieutenant?”

Didja ever noticed how Hellcat always calls me ‘lieutenant’? Good. Anyhoo, I put my phone down. I was still in shock. I flashed a tired smile. “That was Colonel Fury; I’ve been promoted to Lieutenant Commander.”

Hellcat threw her hands up and squealed, “This is exciting!” She happily jumped up and down; she was so enthralled with the good news she didn’t realize that her bikini was suffering another wardrobe malfunction. She grabbed my wrist and drugged me into the shower. “This calls for a celebration!”

Moments later it was time for me to watch the back of my eyelids. I lay down on my bed; the bikini clad heroine joined me. Sadly, much to my chagrin, the feisty Hellcat curled up in a ball at my feet, so much for the celebration.

Nine hours later I awoke to Hellcat sleeping at my head. I smelt something funny, it wasn’t a hairball or anything like that, but I did smell something strong. I petted her pretty little head as I turned on the lights. The purring heroine momentarily winced as they lights went on.

I didn’t see a thing, but the smell was still there. I stood up and scouted the bedroom; nothing. “Lieutenant, can you please turn the lights off?” the tired pussy cat asked.

“Of course!” I smiled. I walked over to the nightstand and kissed her forehead. She smiled and purred louder as I turned the lights off.

The smell seemed to be ubiquitous. It followed me wherever I went, whatever it was, it was not dissipating. I walked into the bathroom and turn on the lights. My eyes exploded as I gazed upon my graffiti scrawled chest. It read in bold blank permanent ink, “HELLCAT WUZ HERE!”